As mentioned previously, Stunning and I are pretty obsessed with Seinfeld.  As veterans of the show and the ability to spot plotlines in everyday life, we’re certain we are in the top percentage of the population for our Seinfeld knowledge.  I’m not saying there aren’t people out there that know more and can quote more, because there certainly are… but I’m talking about our ability to hold our own with those fanatics.

We had every season, except season 9, which is the final season.  We had watched 1 through 8 nonstop since we got married, but never had access to the final season.  After Christmas, we were able to use a giftcard to purchase the final season.  While it will never go down in history as the best Seinfeld season, it does hold its own with some episodes reaching cult status and still used in conversation today.

• Serenity Now!
• Hellllooooooo!
• Bad Naked vs. Good Naked
• Festivus

Of course, there is no better exchange in Season 9 than the following:

Elaine: It's funny.

Jerry: It's a pig at a complaint department.

Elaine: And he's saying " I wish I was taller" ha ha. See? that's his complaint.

Jerry: I get it.

Elaine: Do you!!!.. because that's not a normal complaint.

Jerry: How 'bout if it was something like " I can't find my receipt my place's a sty.”

Elaine: Everything with you has to be so .. jokey.

Jerry: I'm a comedian.

Elaine: I wish I was taller, that's, that's, that's nice. that's real.

Jerry: Well I got a complaint. This cartoon stinks.

Elaine: I'll tell you who doesn't think it stinks, The New Yorker. that's right. They're publishing it in their next issue.

Kramer taps on a sheet of paper that he gives to Elaine to read.

Elaine: The pig says "my wife is a slut."

Jerry: Now that's a complaint.

For my love of all things Seinfeld, I think I’m going to begin a Seinfeld quote of the week.  It is your job each week to somehow play off the quote, with more things Seinfeld. Of course, this week’s quote is:

The pig says "my wife is a slut."

I was the guest blogger over at Roots & Rings. While i hope you went read this post there, I wanted to get it on here for record keeping purposes.  If you didn’t go over there, here’s a look at what you missed:

Good day everyone.  My name is John and I’m filling in today for Chelsea.  She’s out grabbing some lunch and doing her nails while skydiving.  She told me they dry faster that way.  I write a blog called Fatherhoody.

I wanted to get the word out to all you ladies and to any husbands that might be reading though, there are certain things you must do to handle a pregnant wife.  My wife and I found out we were pregnant way back in 2009.  That’s like… a year ago (2010-2009 = 1).  That also means we’re getting closer and closer each day to her popping out a small human.  (The human will grow to be a larger human and eventually go on to play right field for the St. Louis Cardinals, make millions of dollars, and place me into a very nice retirement home.)  Anyway, as we approach A-Day (arrival day) a husband must care for his pregnant wife in a very different way than one would care for a non-pregnant wife.

You see, the Pregnant Wife (Wifius Pregnasius), is a creature like no other.  She can be emotional.  She will always be tired (and will always use the word exhausted to describe her current state).  She will also always be uncomfortable.  She’ll be uncomfortable standing, sitting, sleeping, driving, walking, running, jogging, especially jump roping and always when mountain climbing.  Therefore, as the helper of Wifius Pregnasius the Husband of Pregnant Wife (Husbandian Wifius Pregnasius) must use the following advice to keep things happy in the household.

1. Act Excited About Everything. A request to do the dishes for her on a night should be met with the following: “You want me to do the dishes?  I’D LOVE TO DO THE DISHES!”  During statements such as these keep your voice pitch an octave higher than usual to show extra excitement.  Also, be extra excited about doing anything outside the home.  It is very difficult for Wifius Pregnasius to get the energy to leave the nest, so if the opportunity arises make sure you act like she just asked you to be her date to every single game of the 2010 St. Louis Cardinals season and you get to sit right behind home plate and wave to it throughout the whole game while on your cell phone.  “WHAT??  You want to go to Target to look at maternity tops??  Oh my GOSH!!! I was just thinking how I’d love to go to Target and do some shopping!  I’m so glad you thought of it too!” If Husband does not act excited, there could be tears involved.
2. Strength Training.  As Wifius Pregnasius enters into the third trimester, the Husband must be prepared to help her with every larger scale movement.  This means any movement that is more than one step forward.  Getting up from the chair?  A Husband must have an arm extended.  Getting up from the floor? Husband must have arm at the ready.  In the middle of the night and she needs to turn over?  Husband must have arm raised throughout night for her to grab onto.  (If arm is not raised, she will punch you in the face.  It’s happened to me.)
3. Help Out a Little More.  Wifius Pregnasius is growing a human.  Husbandian Wifius Pregnasius had no pain in making said human (in fact, he had a pretty good time creating said human).  Therefore, it’s the least Husband can do to take on a couple more chores than usual and maybe even make the bed… even if it is his most hated chore in the world.
4. Entertain.  Wifius Pregnasius will encounter incredible mood swings.  These will mostly occur when she is “exhausted” and it will usually end with her being quite depressed for no reason.  There is very little Husband can do to prevent this sadness.  (“Hi honey!  I just brought home a million dollars!”  will lead to “That makes me so sad…” which will lead to “Why are you sad?” which will lead to “I don’t know!!!!” and a tear.)  Therefore, it is up to Husband to find someway, anyway, to make Wife happy.  It’s a difficult task, but for my wife, there’s one thing that can put a smile on her face.  Me dancing.  (Now, before you hit play, I should have you know that this was a very big debate in the house about whether this was for the “internet” or just for the “family”.  I sided on the side of “internet”.  Wife sided on the side of “family” fearing she will be forever embarrassed by sharing my incredible talent with the world.  I’m not quite sure one would be embarrassed when they are met with award winning style points.)

   John Dancing for Pregnant Wife

And people… I want you to realize that that was pure talent without any music or a beat.  Eat your heart out dancing reality show peoples.

So there you have it folks.  Four suggestions to help both Husband and Wife make it through nine incredible months of amazing joy, amazing trials, and an absolutely amazing journey.  God bless.

See you at the hood… Fatherhoody that is. (That was a dumb way to sign off… sorry.)

It’s not by Calvin Klein.  I think my wife invented it and it mostly has to do with her sleeping patterns.  You see, my wife needs noise when she falls asleep.  Usually it’s the television and it has to be on for her to shut her mind down. 

Here’s the rub though, it can’t be just any television.  It can only be certain shows that will allow her to enter sleep.  Here’s the other rub, we don’t have cable in our bedroom.  We have At&t Uverse in locale, but we couldn’t get it in the bedroom for a long list of reasons.  Therefore, we have to watch DVDs.  We have four shows on DVD. 

Saved By the Bell
I apologize to all women for turning them on with such a provocative picture of Slater and Zack.  Sometimes I stand in a similar fashion for Stunning.  It doesn’t have much of an effect though as she usually walks by me and tells me to stop being stupid. 

We actually only have the first and second season of Saved By the Bell and it’s never used for sleep time.  It’s a Sunday morning DVD used for when she gets ready for church.  However, I had to put it on here because Stunning is a national champion in Saved By the Bell Trivia.  That’s not a joke.

That’s a better representation of me standing shirtless.

Roseanne
Nothing screams awesome more than a white trash comedy where the main characters are overweight parents and somehow skinny grandma, sister, and children.  Apparently everyone on the show except Roseanne and Dan were on an effective diet.

Roseanne was all the rage in the early to mid 1990s (remember the “kiss”?!?).  It’s also been the rage for Stunning for years.  At some point, it came to define my wife, but slowly after a few years she’s come to realize what most of America did in 1996… it is not that funny.  Recently, I had the DVDs in for her to fall asleep and she requested I move on to another sitcom.

King of Queens
Any comedy where the main character is overweight and surrounded by skinny people is funny to me!  This quickly became all the rage for Stunning as she fell asleep.  The Fox station in Omaha played it for an hour each night, so she became fairly used to it and almost expected it to fall asleep.  She has seen every show.  While Arthur gets older in every season, they never really commit him to an insane asylum.  I guess that would be the inhumane thing to do and if done, the show would have become much less funny.

However, as much as she loved this show… there is nothing in the world of sitcom history that compares to…

Seinfeld
It will forever be in my heart as the greatest television sitcom of all time.  It’s also the number one fall asleep to sitcom ever.  Since Stunning has gotten to the uncomfortable stage of pregnancy it’s the number one medicine to help her fall asleep.

The two of us also have the uncanny ability to parlay any real life experience into Seinfeld.  Such as recently, when a couple sisters at our house were arguing with each other that Grandma only gave stuff to one of them.  My wife and I looked at each other, shook our heads and at the same time said, “Grandma Memma”.

Hello.  I’m hanging out today at Roots & Rings.  She wanted a little break, so I packed my bags and did a little guest post over there.

If you’re checking out my blog for the first time, I suggest reading the following to catch up:

Becoming an Unexpected Father

New Dad

My Son Isn’t Born But He Already Dislikes Me

 Tadpole Things Make Babies

Thanks for stopping by! 

To those that know me, I’m not a big fan of spending money.  It downright makes me sick sometimes.  While there are gadgets and things that I want, it usually takes me a long time to actually convince myself to buy anything.  When I do buy something, it makes me sick to my stomach.

I own an iPhone and feel guilty about it constantly.  That $30 a month data fee gives me heartburn.  What else gives me heartburn?  Paying for haircuts.  My hair is fairly simple… so it pains me to plop down $15 to $20 for something I think I might be able to do myself. 

Now this wasn’t the case when I lived in Omaha.  When I lived in Omaha, my barber was also the mayor of the suburb I lived in, which is pretty awesome anyway you cut it.  (cut it… get it??)  When I moved to San Antonio, I tried Sports Clips and another wait in line, no reservation hair place.  I felt they were all too expensive and most of the women had man hands… of which I’m not a fan.

Stunning told me I couldn’t cut my own hair.  She said she wouldn’t do it either.  Therefore, I enlisted my sister-in-law.  As I sat on a chair, she went crazy.

A few things…

1. Yes… I am wearing sleepwear that says “Local Celebrity”.  Since I’m wearing them, you could say they’re vintage.
2. Yes… I am eating a Snickers while my hair is getting cut.  It’s another advantage to not going somewhere.
3. No… I had absolutely no idea what was going on behind my head.  I really thought she was just cutting my hair during these pictures.  If I had seen this pictures, I might have asked her to stop cutting my hair.
4. No hair fell onto my Snickers… that I knew about anyway.
5. The haircut turned out very nice.

So I’ve been told my rocking chair posts are boring, uninteresting, and most people don’t read them.  My wife said she doesn’t even read them and says they’re really bad.  For that I apologize.  As of 7:40pm, Fatherhoody is having one of its worst days visit wise in the history of the blog… with just 9 visits. 

And to the Creighton women who said they thought they were boring too, I know your true opinions now.  And just so you know… I only have one rocking chair post.  However, just to spite all of you, I might split it into three posts.

After finishing up with the sandpaper, you have to put down a layer of goodness across the chair.  It’s got to be something that will stick to the wood like mad and let paint stick to it like mad.

It’s Primer People!  I really enjoy this product.  If you get any on you, it doesn’t come off unless you use paint thinner.  It’s oil-based, so that’s what happens.  However, it really makes you feel confident that what you’re putting on the surface will stay there for a millennium.  (In the year 3000… NBC finally decides what to do with Jay Leno.)

When you put a coat of primer on, the furniture will go from its original state to a strange state of not really being prepared for anything.

Make sure the primer is given a good amount of time to dry.  It’s the most important part to make sure your paint will last a long time.  I probably could have done two coats of primer, but I was too inpatient and wanted to get going with the black paint.

I watched Conan’s last night on Friday.  Great stuff.  Nothing like ending 7 months in your dream job to make you slightly bitter. 

I don’t watch Jay or Conan or Jimmy or Dave consistently.  I’ll watch them all at some point or another, but never tune in.  I have watch the Jay Leno show and it is beyond terrible.  Conan, I always find funny.  I’ve never watched Jimmy Fallon, though he was funny on SNL… and I don’t like Dave, mainly because of his band leader and he enjoys having gratuitous sex with many different women that are not his wife.

However, I find this whole drama with the late night show to be fascinating.  First of all, the amount of hits Jay and Conan are putting on NBC are hilarious.  Second of all, it just proves my theory that NBC is amazingly stupid.

However, this is the most awkward 6 minutes you’ll watch on TV.  It’s well worth it… just get through the first 2 minutes for the real awkwardness to begin.

This is a great recap of exactly how things have gone down:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/121078/saturday-night-live-sigourney-weaver?c=1832:1970

Stunning graduated law school back in May, found out she was pregnant in July, took the bar two weeks later, found out she passed in November, and has been working part-time at a company here since then.  She’s been looking for full-time work, but the lawyer market in these parts is very tight (too many people want to be lawyers, without enough positions).  It’s been pretty difficult to find anything and frankly we haven’t been pushing the issue too much considering she’s going to pop in March.

While earlier this week, she got a call from a recruiter.  She’s going in for an interview on Monday.  When she arrives, there will probably be a little bit of a surprise.  Unless you’re Sarah Palin, everyone knows you’re pregnant when you’re 7 months along.

I told her she should say, “I hope you don’t mind that I brought my son to the interview,” when she shows up.  Or, “Let me address the elephant in the room… or at least the child in my belly.” 

The job sounds perfect for her and the company is supposed to be awesome, which is great.  Anyway, we just need some prayers over the course of the next week that it all works out like it’s supposed to.  I think I’m more nervous about it than she is!  Give us some prayers… and let us know if you have any other lines you’d say to the people when you show up with a basketball under your shirt.

Here’s what she said on the topic:

I like my current job very much. I enjoy the work I do and I absolutely ADORE the attorneys I work with. However, I have a job interview on Monday with a company that I think I could work for for the next 30 years. The position is exactly what I’m looking for and I truly believe I’m the perfect fit for this job--plus it sounds like a fantastic corporate culture.  My big concern is obviously that when I walk in and they see this giant beach ball in my stomach, it’s going to be a deal-breaker.  I, of course, feel like it’s not an issue at all: what’s 6 weeks of maternity leave in the grand scheme of 30 years or whatever?  Plus, it’s not like I would be totally inaccessible in those 6 weeks—with internet and everything, I am sure I could still work some from home even while recovering from Jack’s arrival.  I normally don’t ask for favors, but any prayers or good thoughts you want to send my way would be much appreciated.

When I was young, I remember watching “Look Who’s Talking”. If you’ll remember it was a charming comedy about kids that had internal monologues, but they could hear each other… so they weren’t completely internal. Grown-ups could *not* hear them, which was comedic. It was classic late 1980s comedy!

There’s a scene in that movie before the babies are born. Not only could babies talk in the movie, but sperm and eggs could talk too. Of course, this was also my first lesson about sperm and eggs. Couple things I learned from the movie… 1) You need a giant round ball to create a baby and the mom has that, 2) you need a fleet of tadpoles provided by the dad. 3) When they meet, they make a baby through magic. 4) Those sperm sure are comedic!! From there, I had to use my imagination to draw all other conclusions.

As we drove on a long family vacation road-trip (which are definitely some of the highlights of my childhood), I began to think about the fact that I was the last child my parents ever had. My sister, then 6.5 years later, me and then nothing… just silence. I wondered why… and then I hit on it!

Me: I know why you didn’t have any more kids after me.

Mom: Why is that?

Dad: Ya. Why is that?

Me: Because dad is bald.

Dad: What?

Me: Dad. [very serious] Listen. You once had hair and when you had hair, you had babies. Now you are bald. Clearly the tadpole things live in your hair and since you lost all of your hair, you don’t have anymore tadpoles to have more babies.

Case closed. It was sound reasoning really. Truthfully, I’m lucky I’m even here as my dad was nearly bald when I was born. However, in my mind that’s the only thing that had changed and therefore it was the only reason my parents failed to have more children.

Anyway, I bring up this story, because we got a beautiful gift from a friend the other day.

How cute. However, as I unpackaged the mobile, I noticed the logo of the company that makes it.

The end.

I used to be a television reporter.  I did the weather on the weekend and then during the week, I worked general news stories.  That included a young African American girl “snipered” while waiting in a fast food drive through (my story at 2:20 of the video), the funerals of victims of the Von Maur shootings (funeral of Gary Joy, interviewed family of Janet Jorgensen – please read what her Grandson told me, interviewed son of Gary Scharf who told me his dad was his best friend, and reported from the home of the shooter on the day of the shooting), covered the attempted suicide of a Christian monk, reported on a mother who locked her handicapped daughter in a bedroom and then a fire started (video of my report), covered a Grandma who was in jail for shoplifting when a fire broke out in her home that killed her daughter and grandchildren, and also reported on the devastation after the Parkersburg, Iowa tornado (video of my report). 

Anyway, all of that brings me to an NPR report I heard driving home from work the other day.  Listen to it here. Or read through it here (which of course lacks the emotion I want you to here):

BLOCK: NPR's Jason Beaubien joins us from Port-au-Prince. Jason, describe where you are right now, please, and what you're seeing.

JASON BEAUBIEN: Right now I'm outside the Villa Creole Hotel, which is in the Petionville neighborhood - an elite neighborhood of Port-au-Prince. And it's really quite amazing, people have brought their injured children out front here because they know that there are medical - Western medical doctors staying inside. So, people have come here to try to get attention for - mainly for their children. There's a girl - I'm sorry. There's a girl right in front of me at the moment. She's covered in bandages. She's laying on just some - what are they - they're from the deck chairs that would be by the pool. She's naked except for what looks like a tablecloth on top of her. And she keeps lifting her head and her lips are shaking.

(Soundbite of crowd)

BEAUBIEN: Sorry, Melissa.

BLOCK: That's okay.

BEAUBIEN: It's heartbreaking what's happening here. And there are people just in the streets everywhere. When you drive through, there are tent cities that have been sort of set up just in little lots. People are clearly just living wherever they can.

BLOCK: Jason, the girl you just described, is she getting any medical attention there?

BEAUBIEN: She clearly has gotten some medical attention because there are fresh bandages on her. And there are other people who are getting medical attention. But the numbers are just so huge that there are people who are waiting for attention. There's clearly the expectation that there are people who are still trapped in some of these buildings.

BLOCK: Does the girl have any family there with her, do you know?

BEAUBIEN: I assume that she has family here, but it's really quite striking. She's lying out in what would just normally be the driveway and there's no one around her.

The reporter, Jason Beaubien, lost his composure and almost broke down during the report.  Of course, I never was in the midst of a tragedy of the same magnitude, but I knew the emotions Jason was feeling.  However, as a soon to be father, I can only imagine the different emotions I would carry now doing some of the stories I did.  (I cried when interviewing a Von Maur family and frankly looking over some of those old stories brought back a lot of emotions.)

What I want to comment on though is some of the feedback listeners gave to the emotion displayed by Beaubien.  One listener stated:

Tony Eads of Oak Park, Illinois didn't like what he heard. He writes: It is utterly inappropriate to showcase a reporter's emotional response to a story. It is sensationalistic, it is unprofessional and most importantly, it is not news.

Reporters are human.  Many have the ability to emotionally disconnect from the story, but some of them don’t always or sometimes it can be an impossibility.  This story was live and unscripted (what in TV would be a “Walk and talk”) and one should never condemn a reporter for being human.  A reporter is better suited when they feel emotions and can use them to deliver a better story.  Empathy is important.

Just remember when you see someone in a terrible situation, that sometimes those reporters are experiencing and looking at terrible things.  Emotion is standard.  Humans are not Vulcans and should never expect to be.

This exchange here reminds me of Hurricane Katrina and interaction a reporter had with Hardy Jackson:

Stunning and I had a pregnancy scare that became real.  However, a few months after she was pregnant, we had another pregnancy scare.  This time it had nothing to do with bring pregnant, but instead had to do with her.

Stunning has always had problems with one of her eyes.  (Well, not always, but shortly after we started dating.)  Her retina is all wrinkled and weird.  I am pretty sure it needs a good ironing, but apparently the doctors don’t think there’s a good solution.  One doctor said she’d be blind in months, another doctor said years, and another said never. (She can still see right now.)

Her eyes were bothering her more since the pregnancy began, so she went to the doctor who sat back and became very concerned.  Then she said, “It’s almost like something is pushing against the eye.”  There’s not much scarier phrase than that… I mean, seriously, to say that you can only think of one thing, tumor. This appointment was on a Friday and the next chance to get an MRI (which had to be approved by the OB) was on Monday.

That was a strange weekend of trying to keep the thoughts out of your mind.    Exactly what is a husband and soon to be father to think in a situation like that?  There’s not much that could be thought.  You privately go through the what if’s and freak out in your head, but work to act like “it’s all good” on the outside. 

I’m not going to lie that the thought of “What if I have to do this by myself?” didn’t cross my mind.  I would have to grieve, but figure out everything on my own.  It became very apparent that weekend as I thought through the what-ifs of just how much I rely on my wife.  She settled me down that weekend with the right words.  She pushes me to be a better person.  She gives me faith.  She makes me laugh and smile and cry with joy.  The ability she has to affect me is amazing, so even to have a what if of that not being there was shocking.  Then to add to it the fact that I’d have to raise Junior by myself.  It was almost too much to handle.

We had the MRI on Monday and the results took two more days.  The what-ifs continued, but eventually it came back as negative.  There will be more follow-ups after the pregnancy, but Junior can’t have any while he resides in her belly. 

Even though I didn’t go through it, it made me gain an amazing amount of respect for single fathers.  It also made me realize how much I rely on my wife for my well-being.  We’re doing good now and hopefully there won’t be any other pregnancy scares.

I like to say that I sit right in the middle of the spectrum politically.  On the left sits a whole bunch of people and on the right sits a whole bunch of people too.  I straddle the line like a cowboy and his horse.  On the left, sits my family and on the right sits my in-laws. 

I’m writing this because of what’s happening in Massachusetts right now.  A couple months ago, Ted Kennedy died and it was a foregone conclusion he would be replaced by a democrat.  Well, the election is tomorrow and the Republican in the race is ahead in a lot of polls by a couple points.

Whether Democrats like it or not, this vote is a referendum about the “new” politics of Washington.  I voted for Barack Obama, because I wanted to see “change”.  I wanted to see Republicans and Democrats work together and honestly that is why he was voted in.  People rallied around him for his ability to work both sides of the aisle.  Bipartisanship won in 2008, but that failed in 2009 and so far in 2010.

It’s not Obama’s fault Massachusetts is going to be a loss for the Democrats.  It’s partly the Democrat running the race in the state.  (She’s stated about campaigning: “standing outside Fenway Park? In the cold? Shaking hands?” and about terrorists in Afghanistan as “not there anymore”.) 

Democrats were ushered in over the past 4 years to change the tone, but instead it’s a similar tone but on the left instead of the right.  If they want to stay the reigning party, they need to be able to piss of both their base and the conservative base.  If you’ve got Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore both angry with you, then you’re probably on the right track to achieve what the American people want.

A few weeks ago, we were in Dallas with our friends watching the Huskers scare the heck out of the Longhorns. On our way home, we stopped to see our friends who recently moved to the Dallas area. They made the mistake of telling us about a place that we had to stop on our drive home (they do the drive from Dallas to San Antonio often). Little did they know they were opening a can of worms…we’re hooked.

You see, about 15 minutes outside of the town of Waco, Texas there’s a little town of West, Texas.  It’s not west Texas, but the town is West, Texas.  I hope you’re following.  West, Texas reminds you of a small town in the middle of Texas… because it’s a small town in the middle of Texas. 

One thing West, Texas has going for it though is its Czech heritage.  You see, when you’re from West, Texas, you’re probably Czech and there’s a good chance you work in one of the bakeries in the town.  There were at least three of them that I saw, which is pretty good for a town about the size of my extended family.  We drove through the town, but there wasn’t much to see and there was only one bakery open. 

It’s a gas station.  So, considering there’s a bakery inside a gas station, you’d have to think it’s not going to be very good.  Not sure if you’ve had a hot dog from Kwik Trip, or QT, or Valero… but you know what I’m talking about.

It was a Sunday about 4pm, but the parking lot was an absolute zoo.  There were no cows or giraffes, but there were tons of people hungry for the Czech delicacy of a Kolache.  As it’s been said, a Kolache is like a Danish… except with class.  That’s right… an Eastern European delicacy is a Western European delicacy, except it’s classy.  (What a slap in the face to the Danish!!)

Not sure if it’s like this in other parts of Texas, but in San Antonio, people are always talking about making Kolaches, bringing in Kolaches to work, sending me packages of Kolaches in the mail. You get the picture. Now we know why: they have probably been to the Czech stop and, like us, cannot stop thinking about these wonderful pillows of deliciousness.

This is a Kolache:

Let me just say, the little bready dough around the edges is heavenly.  It’s so pillowy and fluffy and chewy and warm and amazing. It’s filled with cream cheese/fruit filling and it’s 100% Classy Deliciousness. 

However, Czech Stop is like “WHA?  THERE’S MORE!”  And what’s more?  They also take the exact same dough that works perfectly and (because this is Texas) they put a chunk of smoked sausage in it… they put jalapenos in it… they put cheese in it… and it’s all amazing.

Therefore, a word to the wise… 1) Eat Kolaches and 2) Stop at the Czech Stop in West, Texas.

(That’s a random baby drooling… I was drooling… but I don’t know who the baby is.)

From the wife:

Maybe this is the case with all operating systems but on ours, if I type something into the address bar and it’s not a legitimate web address, a google search will come up with results matching my pathetic attempt at a web address. The other day I was planning to go to babiesrus.com. I typed in “babies” and saw that the website had popped up as one of the recent browser pages. I meant to arrow down, choose it, press enter, and enter the website. I must not have scrolled down like I thought I did so when I stopped at “babies” and pressed enter, google decided to do its work.

Tell me folks, why is the first thing that comes up in a google search of “babies” THIS:

First of all, that baby is scary!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD? I am legitimately fearful! PLEASE don’t let Junior be that scary…I won’t be able to sleep at night. And please believe that if Junior gives me a look like that, breastfeeding will be off the table IMMEDIATELY!!!

Google also presented me with this little cutie:

Do you think those babies are really underwater? That third one looks like he could be. Anyway, that seems definitely illegal: “yes, let’s place 4 infants in a pool of water and let take pictures of them. safety shmafety.”

I’m willing to bet this little ad came from the same genius minds behind this gem:

First of all, why does that baby look so strange? It looks teeny tiny like the stupid Gerber ad baby. And also, fairly certain Junior better not come out in an egg. It’s just not natural. He’s not a chicken.

At least this one came up:That baby is pretty cute. Thank goodness because if all the google results were like the previous three pictures, I may start believing that all babies are creepy and frightening.

Well, we’re on our way to get the rocking chair into its new state.  That means it must be sanded first.

Sanding will do a couple things.  It will first of all roughen up some of the edges, but it will also smooth some of the rocking chair’s bigger imperfections. 

You need to roughen the edges some to give the primer a better surface to adhere to.  While it will adhere to the chair’s lacquered surface, if there are some microscopic scratches, it will do a lot better.

I used a P100 grit sand paper, which is a very fine feeling to it:

So that’s the chair before anything is done to it.  After 15 minutes of some sanding, it’s left some scratches and dust all over the chair.

After that, I wiped the chair down with a wet cloth and let it dry.  You gotta get all of that dust off of it or you’ll be stuck with the primer adhering to dust particles instead. 

Again, as I mentioned, I’m not a handy man… so a lot of this stuff I’m just kind of making up as we go.  However, thanks for reading!!

We just moved to south Texas in May.  When we got here, San Antonio proceeded to have the hottest summer in the history of the city.  Global Warming!!!  There were almost 60 days with temperatures hitting 100 degrees or hotter and we only saw 1.48” of rain in June, July, and August.

Then the seasons turned and it became fall, which in turn, like every year, led to winter.  Of course, now that we’re in winter, it’s become one of the coldest winters in San Antonio history.  It got down to 16 degrees the other night. 

When I woke up for my pre-dawn urination sleep-break, I stumbled into the rest room and flushed the toilet.. and it did not fill back up correctly.  Then I turned the faucet on and nothing came out of it.  Blasted… the cold night had frozen a pipe.  This was around 4:45am, so I go into a sort of panic mode and try to figure out what to do.  Just like any emergency situation, I immediately sat down and searched Google.  “Frozen pipes” and “How do I tell where my pipes are frozen?” and “How to thaw pipes” and Google responded with a whole bunch of instructions that I didn’t quite know what to do with.

Stunning woke up and freaked out herself.  She was throwing a baby shower that day and with no water the whole “Can I just get a glass of water?” request from guests would be difficult… as would the “Where’s your bathroom?”  (I thought it would be cool if she handed the guest a roll of toilet paper and then proceeded to tell them how to get to the corner of the yard, but she wasn’t pleased with that idea.)

Having a frozen pipe is one thing… all you have to do is thaw it.  However, when you thaw it, you know you have a problem when you see water coming from a large gaping crack in the pipe.  Yep, that happened to us too.  We weren’t the only ones dealing with this, so the plumbers were expensive and took a long time to get to us. 

We left the water on during the baby shower with a good amount of duct tape surrounding the crack to try and slow the water down some.  The duct tape didn’t work very well, but at least we had running water (as mentioned it never actually stopped running for fear it would cause greater pressure on the cracked pipe) for the 25 females that arrived at the house.

Coming from Omaha, frozen pipes aren’t something you really deal with often.  In Omaha, they prepare for cold weather by burying things.  I guess in San Antonio, builders don’t realize that it can get cold.  Shame on them.  Anyway, the pipe is fixed and now I leave my faucets with a steady drip when I go to bed.

My wife got confronted at the store today, so she’s writing a guest post for Fatherhoody.  This details the way you should not speak with a pregnant lady.  If you speak to a pregnant lady in this fashion, you’re a royal idiot. 

Perhaps it’s not good to write a blog entry when you’re piping mad. I’m not 100% sure about blog etiquette so I’ll just ignore it and write anyway.

I decided to make sweet little taggy blankets for Junior and Bing (Junior’s cousin that is due on the same date as he is). I like the idea of making something for Junior and I’m so uncrafty that I decided to get started early. Of course, I’m having a hard time doing anything for Junior and not doing it for Bing too…they need to be twinnies. So I went to the craft store to get all the supplies to make two of these little cuties:Granted, I knew mine wouldn’t turn out quite this well but I tried nevertheless.  I didn’t want quite so many ribbons along the edges and I wanted to stick with my black/white and baby blue theme. I gotta say, I’m pretty pleased with how they turned out considering it was my first attempt at working on a sewing machine:

Anyway, my blanket-making skills (or lack thereof) are not the point. The point is what you see in the picture right above…that gray little moon-looking thing: my enormo stomach.  You see, as I was standing in the line to get my blue fabric and black and white ribbons cut, a woman looked at me and asked me when I was due. I knew what was coming. I should have just said “yesterday” and maybe she would have refrained from talking on end about how she can’t imagine me getting any bigger. But I didn’t. I decided to go for that whole “honesty” thing. Honesty, HA!

Me: “Not until March.”

Her: (Pause) “March?” (Pause) “WOW!”

Me: “Yep, I’m big.”

Her: “You’re huge!”

Me: “Yeah.”

Her: “There’s a girl at work who is due in a couple weeks and you’re way bigger than her!”

Me: “Yeah.”

Her: “How much weight have you gained?”

Okay, WHAT?!?! She seriously asked me how much weight I’d gained? How in the world is this an appropriate question?

Me: “Alot.”

Her: “I bet!”

At this point, I wanted to just walk away. But I needed to get my fabric cut so I just stood there, looking forward and trying to ignore her while still remembering that I was a Christian woman and that certain things are not nice to say to people.

Her: “I only gained 20 pounds with both my children.”

Me: “That’s great.”

Her: “So how about you?”

Me: “I’ve gained alot more than that.”

Her: “I bet.”

Me: “I was really skinny before I got pregnant though. It’s good I’m gaining weight.”

Her: “Well…”

Luckily, at this point the fabric woman was ready to take my request so I could ignore Meany McJudgyPants. I got it cut, grabbed my fabric, and walked away even though she had started asking me questions again. I just couldn’t handle it. 

I got in my car and called Bing’s mom and started crying, asking her why people thought it was appropriate to tell me these things. She comforted me and told me stories about a girl at work who gets the same thing all the time. I calmed down a little but I was still quite livid. Luckily, as I turned the corner onto the access road toward my house, I saw something that ALWAYS cheers me up: Liberty Tax Services dancers.  There she was…Lady Liberty in all her greenish blue splendor, waving that torch and doing a boogie while holding a sign for cheapo tax services. 

Thanks Lady Liberty, I could just hear you saying: “"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, Your preggo ladies who look like they are going to pop tomorrow…” You know how to cheer a girl up!

So here’s my question, and I mean it with all honesty—what should I say to these people? So far this has happened (aside from asking me about my weight) numerous times. Various strangers have told me how huge I am. I am getting sick of it and I don’t want to be mean but I feel like I need to say something. So really, ideas please?

I have no facts to claim that for sure.  However, take a look at my 1 month trend:

The old trick in the TV business is that if you’re last in the ratings, say with an audience metric of .1 and the next month you’re still last but you have a metric of .2, well then your audience doubled.  And when you’re going against another station with a metric of 16.1 and they go to 16.2, their audience did not double.  Therefore, you can say, “You’re watching the fastest growing newscast in the City XYZ.”  Genius.

Therefore, I’d like to claim I’m the fastest growing father blog on the internet.  Thanks for reading… I’ll be Father Google in no time!  I think I just might claim to be the fastest growing website on the planet.

I used to be a weatherman.  Ya… one of the guys on television that talk a whole bunch about the future.  I was a psychic in that I got paid to tell the future.  I like to think I was slightly more accurate and informational than modern-day psychics.  Some days I was… and some days I wasn’t. 

Anyway, after Stunning graduated from law school, we moved to San Antonio.  She can’t stand cold weather, so we really picked the right year to move.  While people here in San Antonio actually went crazy at the prospect of a low temperature of 16 and a high of 34, people in Omaha have dealt with blinding winds, days where the temp doesn’t get above 0, mornings at 20 below, feet of snow.  It’s been crazy.  My dad took these pictures of the snow in his front yard:

Notice the snow drift on the left is taller than the flight of stairs.

My dad is about 6 foot tall.  The snow drift on the right is taller than he is.

Not sure this weather would qualify as a winter wonderland.

This is a similar view before all of this calamity..

…slight difference…

My sister-in-law just reminded me of a story with a post she wrote for her pregnancy/family blog.  The twin pregnancies Stunning is having with her sister is creepy.  I’ll tell you about it another time. 

Anyway, I’m stealing her blog post (didn’t even ask her… that’s the type of person I am) here for your reading enjoyment… this reminded me of one of my most terrible moments of my life:

Things That Make Pregnancy Just a Wee Bit Better

This blog is all about little things I have found that have made my pregnancy a little more tolerable. Let's start....

1. Zantac.

As reported in a previous blog.... heartburn is a killer. This stuff works amazingly well. However, I have learned that just because you take this magical little pill does not mean you can go out and eat tomato sauce, nachos, and spicy nachos in one day.

2. Snoodle.

I just got this wonderful little pillow and it has made my nights so much more pleasant. Wait.... pleasant is never the right word for pregnancy sleep.... it is more like, "tolerable." I broke down and bought this $50 pillow though and it has made my nights so much better. I strongly suggest getting this to any pregnant woman, or not pregnant, because it is delightful. The only thing that is not so nice about it is trying to turn over in the middle of the night (already trying to turn a "few" extra pounds with you) and being tangled up in this pillow. Yes, it is true... you get tangled up in a pillow.

3. Switching cars.

My husband and I have a Saturn Vue & a Nissan Altima. The Altima is my pride a joy... and still new. I had to give up this little beauty a month or so ago because it was getting too hard for me to get in & out of it. It was really quite sad. The Vue treats me just right. I have noticed that getting in a car that is TOO high can be as hard as a car that is too low, however. Recently we have been "car sitting" for my mother-in-law, who owns an Xterra. This is a great 4 wheel drive vehicle that has come in handy over the past couple snow storms, but it is awful to get in & out of as well.

4. Handicap Bathroom Stall.

This is my most recent discovery. Like I have described in #3, it is hard getting my pregnant butt up when I've been sitting. This goes for the bathroom too. I found that the bathroom stall was amazing by mistake... all the other stalls were taken. Since this event, I will never go back. Try it ladies.... it will make your bathroom experience so much better.

5. Someone to put socks on & off.

My husband is amazing at this. He is always a good sport about putting my socks on for me in the morning. I do not usually have to ask him to tie my shoes... because I have learned to keep them tied. Luckily, at work Brittany has been my saving grace when I need a good double knot. These small tasks really do wonders for a pregnant woman.... so gentlemen.... listen to this advice.....

(This woman is OBVIOUSLY a model with a fake tummy on. This position is impossible while pregnant.... or if it IS possible... it would not be "painless" like she is portraying it....)

I will keep you all informed if I find new things to help you out as my pregnancy progresses... And if you have any tips for me I would love to hear them!

--------------------------------------

So anyway, as I’m reading this, I get propelled back to a terrible moment in my life.  I too used to enjoy the luxury of the handicap stall.  Until one day in college, I was on break between classes and excused myself.  As I surveyed the expansive area in my handicap stall, I smiled.  The smile quickly turned to a look of panic as I heard a handicap student enter the restroom.  There was nothing I could but listen.  He used a walker on each hand, because of his weak legs.  As I listened, he went in the miniature stall next to me and proceeded to literally spend 5 minutes just trying to get situated.  It was and still is one my most shameful moments. 

The end.

After the failure of the Target registry and receiving a mini-rocking chair which is useless unless Stunning or I was a midget and planned to use the chair for ourselves, we decided to try it again.  We discovered adult rocking chairs are not $75, but closer to $200 in most cases.  That’s why we abandoned Target and headed to Craigslist where, much like old prostitutes, there is quite the aftermarket for rocking chairs. 

This time, instead of $200 for a rocking chair, we found one for $25.  It’s freaking comfortable too!  The lady we bought it from (we safely met in a parking lot next to a busy road and in a church parking lot) said it had rocked a lot of babies to sleep and was “filled with a lot of love”.  Needless to say, I was excited that it had proved to be a baby rocking machine, but I did not languish the cheesy imagery of it being filled with love.

Unfortunately, it’s not the right color.  We’re doing black and white in the nursery, so brown will not go.  (This is what I am told from my wife who has instructed me that brown shall never be mixed with black. It’s like the 11th commandment or something..)

For this reason, I am painting it.  It shall be black.  We already purchased a brown changing table from Ikea and I painted that black.  (It took me days to finish this project… it required me sanding off or literally peeling my own layers of paint thanks to my mistakes.)  Now, I have another project that I’m going to keep you guys up to date with.  It could be interesting, because I’m not a handy-man by any means (as the changing table witnessed).  However, I’m going to do my best to get this thing looking nice.  Whether that happens or not, I have no idea.

We registered for a rocking chair.  We weren’t too hip on a “glider”, but we thought at rocking chair would be a good idea.  Take a look at the rocking chair we registered for:

Please see this page for more information.  It is called “Spindle Rocking Chair – White”

It’s pretty cool!  Only $75.00 and the idea of hanging with our boy in there rocking him to sleep was very exciting.  It was one of the most expensive things we registered for, so imagine our joy when we noticed it was purchased off the registry and sent to us!  We eagerly awaited its arrival. 

Two days later we found out that the chair had arrived and rushed home to see it.  We ripped the box open and noticed one of the rocking pieces on the bottom was broken.  Bummer!  Then we noticed… this thing is small. 

Please refer back to this page.  This time look at it a little closer and you’ll realize the price was so good because it was a miniature rocking chair, for children.  It would hardly fit my rear end. 

Stunning returned it to Target and we began our quest for another rocking chair.  More to come…