In the 3rd Grade, I was tasked with doing an “All About Me” board on the wall. I had to bring in pictures and write words that described me. One of the words I chose was “Weird” (though I spelled it “wierd” and I still spell it wrong most of the time). Then I chose a picture of me sitting on the toilet reading a book with my pants around my ankles. I was potty-training in the picture, but I don’t think it was quite appropriate for the Me Board, but the teacher put it up there nonetheless.
Well, weird or immature would probably still describe my personality. I enjoy talking really loud and in a monotone voice at work to see what people’s reaction will be. (They’re perplexed. It’s actually quite fun, you should try it.) This is just one example, but I’m sure anyone that knows me has a story that they can think where I’m being less than “normal”. It’s my style.
Well, that style didn’t quite mix with the parenting class we went to the other day. Part of my maturity level (and a gift my Dad has given me as he is stricken with the same affliction) is what we call the “giggles”. It really is laughing at something that really isn’t funny, but not being able to stop laughing. I’m sure you’ve done it before. This is a very good example:
It’s a little worse for me though than the average person. For example, this would actually happen to me on TV. (I once said the following: “The record low for today is –34 degrees set back in 1896, so if you were alive back then you’d be …. really… old now.” That proceeded with me getting the giggles for the rest of the forecast. Oops.) I’ve done it at funerals before too. Anyway, it also happened to me in this class.
In these classes, one tries to promote and aura of maturity to the other parents. (Why hello… I’m in this class not because i need to be, but because I want to prove to everyone that I’m a good parent.) I think I failed in convincing others of this.
1) During a video telling us what would happen shortly after birth. A baby got their vitamin K shot in their leg. For some reason the baby’s reaction (pure terror) on the video struck me as funny. I almost lost it here, but gathered myself and prevented any audible laughing (there was some trembling though and looking down).
2) The teacher was good. She was a nurse, but she was just saying some of the most bizarre things.
“Listen, babies are going to suck. They’re going to suck in utero and they’re going suck when they’re born.”
“The umbilical cord will eventually fall off. Now, on my youngest daughter I actually didn’t even notice the cord fall off. I just looked at her and said, "Where did that cord go?” Then I looked down and my dog was chewing on something. Well, wouldn’t you know he had gotten the cord and was eating it?!? He was in heaven. He got quite the treat that day.”
“If you get your boy circumcised, he going to have a scab down there. Just take the disinfectant goop and just pile it on there like a dairy queen.”
“Whatever you do... DO NOT bite your baby’s fingernails.”
“If you’re a guy, it going to be weird changing your daughter’s diaper. It’s a personal area. My husband couldn’t do it for a long time. Eventually, when my daughter got older she called that area her “Pretty Girl”. “My pretty girl” this and “my pretty girl” that…”
I made my wife to write all of these down so you could see what I had to deal with to prevent from laughing.
3) Playing with dolls is not my thing. However, in any good baby class you’re going to be given a baby doll to “wash” and change diapers.
First of all, I find these babies funny. Second of all, I still feel ridiculous playing doll by wiping a plastic child’s butt. At one point we had to turn the baby over to “wash its back”. Well, I didn’t want to lose sight of my child’s eyes so I turned its head all the way around. Then I heard someone laughing to my right and another couple was looking at me working with this child and placing its hands, legs, and head in strange positions. It’s at that point I realized I was the student that the teacher secretly hates for making the entire class unruly.
4) There were a lot of boobs flying around in that room. Not the pregnant people in there, but on the video. I can’t imagine what the breast feeding class is going to be like. Help me God…
5) I’m still a junior high student at heart, I find words like “penis”, “breast” and “uterus” funny when they are said out loud by an individual.
In the end, I was told by the wife to get on my phone and surf facebook so I would stop laughing while the teacher was talking. It made me realize, I’m definitely going to be one of those fathers that laughs boisterously with my son as he farts really loud. I’m sorry people, but that’s just funny.