It’s no lie that a major milestone for a father is the first time he sees his baby smile.  That and the first time he changes the diaper, but the smile is much more interesting and awesome.  (The diapers make my head hurt… more on that another day.) 

Well, about a week and a half ago we saw Junior smile for the first time.  I was bouncing him on my knee and there came a little smirk.  I read research that for many men, this is the first time they feel a bond with a baby.  I think I can attest to that.  There’s a connection there before, but the first time you see the smile the heart melts.  Since his first smile, we’ve found a few things that he really enjoys.

1. Bouncing on a leg.
2. Looking at someone’s face.  He had a great time the other day looking at his Grandma Mac’s face and it makes me wonder.  When he’s laughing while looking at a face, is he laughing with us or laughing at us.  Does he smile and laugh because he thinks we look strange?
3. Being pushed around.  That’s right… my baby is the happiest when he’s being pushed around.

I don’t think there will ever be a time that a smile like that won’t melt my heart. 

Recently I got a voicemail from my sister-in-law, Burb. This was the message:

“John, so I’m just driving home and I was driving under a bridge and there’s this guy walking over the bridge and he’s just holding his side and I’m like ‘oh, he’s probably been shot or something’ and then I’m like ‘no he hasn’t. that’s just weird.’ and then I looked and he hadn’t been shot but isn’t that weird that like nothing really big going on right now? there’s no alien invasions that are saying they are coming in peace but actually have sinister motives and there’s not like…been a blackout where everyone thought that for the past two minutes—like there’s no like, anything like that that’s happened. Isn’t that so weird? That everything’s so normal? There’s nothing—there’s nothing really big that’s happened. Like in those shows. Just wait. Something’s gonna happen. I can feel it…Or maybe I just want something to happen. Like not anything scary, like aliens trying to kill us because that’s scary. Even though I’d totally be part of the resistance because I’m not okay with aliens trying to kill me and my family. Um….but…umm…you’re calling me right now but I need to finish this message…Um, I’d be part of the resistance but at the same time, I’d be really scared to be part of the resistance because I’d probably totally get killed. But then I’m like well maybe I’d have my concealed carry by then…except I don’t know where to kill them to make them die…like that one guy, he got stabbed where the heart would be and they were like, ‘oh good thing you weren’t human or you’d be dead.’ Like how do you kill them then? You know? If he didn’t die then how do you kill them?

Or there could be a flash forward. But that caused all sorts of drama because there were those people like killing themselves because they knew they were going to die anyway…so that’s kind of dangerous. I hope that if I did have a flash forward it’d be happy flash forward and it wouldn’t be like me cheating on my husband but then again I’m not married so that wouldn’t happen…and I hope it wouldn’t be something like someone’s drowning me in a pool of water…I hope it’d be something happy like…maybe I’m eating a lollipop? Like one of those really big ones that they sell at disneyworld that are like really huge and they have like swirls, you know? and they have mickey mouse’s face on them and it takes you a really long—(GASP)—or you know those big jawbreakers!?!? like giant jawbreakers that’s like the size of your hand? I used to buy those all the time. I hope that in my flash forward, I’d be eating one of those giant jawbreakers or a really large um…sucker…like one of those mickey mouse—Stunning once bought me one of those mickey mouse lollipops for my birthday once because I went through a phase where I bought those all the time…so I hope I’d be doing something like that. And I really hope that you wouldn’t be like…cheating—or I really hope that you wouldn’t be, um, drinking, um…and about to get shot up by people wearing masks with star tattoos. (GASP) I could be shooting you!!! I HAVE A STAR TATTOO!!! I hope my flash forward isn’t me killing you and your flash forward isn’t me killing you.  (GASP) You dying. (GASP) Oh, I hope that’s not it! Oooooooooooooooo.”

WOW.

Yesterday, I got my first “wrong number” text last night.  This is my first ever, “Texts from Last Night”….

Anyway, it came from a number I didn’t know and began asking Chris how he “really felt”.  Getting an opportunity like this only comes once a year… or lifetime.  I could say so many things, “I love you.” or “Please never talk to me again.  I hate your guts.” or “The last time I checked I would like to decorate your Christmas tree.”  The possibilities were endless.  However, I decided I would be nice and tell her my name was not Chris.  This is what happened after that…

Needless to say, my first “Wrong Number” text did not go well. I don’t quite know what set her off, but with mood swings like that, she could very well be pregnant.

Take that as a lesson of life… it’s really not that fun to almost kill your wife.  When your wife is pregnant, it’s even less fun to almost kill her.  And it’s even less fun to almost kill her and in the process of doing that to have the giggles.  That makes an individual extremely sad to be in that situation.

Stunning was taking her pre-natal vitamins.  They help the baby grow strong and healthy.  She went backwards though… she took the sip of water, held it in her mouth and prepared to pop the pill in her mouth.  Immediately before she did that, she was dancing to the Beastie Boys and her moves were mesmerizing.  I commented on that after she took a sip of water.  I was like “Woah!  That was amazing!” and she turned around with water in her mouth with the strangest look on her face.  She had water in her mouth and she was smiling, but not opening her mouth….  It was a ridiculous look. 

Anyway, as I’m walking to the trashcan to throw away some paper, I notice this ridiculous look and I say, “What the heck is that?!”  You know?!?  Here she was just getting down to some Beastie Boys and now she looks like a lady who just ate pure sour.  Anyway, this is too much for her to handle and I start laughing and she starts laughing, except taking a HUGE breath when your mouth is full of water makes you choke.

I look up from the trashcan and she’s not laughing… she’s actually not making any sounds at all.  She has a look of horror on her face and she’s gesturing for me to come over.  I run over there and turn her around to give the Heimlich Maneuver.  However, there’s a ever growing baby in the way.. so she pushes my hands away and I slap her on the back.

Then she starts to cough.  Coughing is good when you’re choking, because it means there isn’t a pure vacuum and you’re getting some air.  Knowing my wife wouldn’t die, I start laughing.  I don’t know why… I just do…

Of course, it’s a terrible idea to laugh when your pregnant wife is almost dying and sounds like she is dying with a cough. 

She’s fine now and so is junior.  Thank goodness.  Anyway, a couple lessons from this for any future fathers out there:

1. It sucks to be the reason your wife is about to die from choking.

2. It really sucks to laugh mere milliseconds after you realize she’ll more than likely be okay.

3.  It is possible to do the Heimlich Maneuver on a pregnant woman.. (I looked it up on the Google.)

4.  When it’s all done and she’s still coughing twenty minutes later, the pain of the whole situation comes flooding back with each hack.

A word to the wise… never ever make your pregnant wife laugh when her mouth is full of water.  It’s just a bad idea.