Well, now that I’m a dad, I am pretty sure I know everything now.  In fact, from my knowledge of being a young child I remember knowing that my Dad knew pretty much everything.  Of course, now that I’m in that same situation, I have realized that fathers don’t really know as much as their kids think they do.  In just the first week of being a dad, there have been challenges and unknowns at pretty much every corner.

There’s really nowhere to begin that I can accurately describe to you everything that has happened over the past week.  However, I wanted to mention a few things:

1. Perhaps I’m a weirdy, but I did not have that life altering “My life has changed since I saw my son” moment when I first saw him.  I definitely got teary-eyed, but that entire impact of the new situation has not hit me.  People say it will change your entire view of life, and while Junior has changed my life (that’s an understatement), I would say I carry the same worldview that I did a week ago.  God is good and the world is amazing, but I’ve known that for a long time now.
2. Since we’re now home, I kind of wish I could go back to the hospital.  :-)  People, with advanced degrees, were available at every call.  They were all very friendly and if I had a question or if a problem arose, they would take care of it.  Now, all I have is Google.
3. When you’re baby is crying and you can’t figure out why and there’s nothing you can do to settle him down… well, that might be the most frustrating moment of a person’s life.  I told him last night, “I can’t wait until your older so we can just talk about what is bothering you.”  He responded by screaming louder.  (Oh… he was hungry…)
4. Somehow you’re ability to operate on small amounts of sleep increases tremendously when there’s another life depending on you waking up.
5. My wife is amazing.  Absolutely amazing.

Of course, there’s much more to come. 

I didn’t think it would happen until the due date… maybe even a couple days after.  Neither did Stunning… Neither did the doctor.  However, with all of that said, this blog is no longer about an expecting father, but instead a real father.  CRAZY!
He was born Sunday, March 7 at 7:19pm weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces and measuring 19.5” long.






Me as a Father:

Junior when he found out I was the dad:

With that said, last week I wrote quite a few posts.  They’re on auto-post… so they may mention I’m waiting for Junior to come.  I am no longer, but the old John… the one from last week… was…

I’ve come to realize that because of my existence, there’s going to be another human being in the world.  Part of me looks at all of the other human beings in the world and thinks it’s not that big of a deal.  Look at a crowded stadium and all those people were crammed into some woman’s stomach at some point.  Quite a few of them (unfortunately, probably not all of them) had whimsical fathers that pondered the existence they were creating.  They’ll all go on, maybe have more babies that they create, and this big rock will continue to spin.  That’s one of my inner monologues.

The other inner monologue gives me an entirely different perspective.  This one looks at that stadium full of people and each person is unique and a product somehow of their upbringing.  Each person there was crammed into the tummy of a woman, but then they were set free.  That freedom is the masterpiece God designed for us.   God’s interjection in this world is the reason that it’s an amazingly big deal to have Junior squirming around in his Mom’s stomach.  To have a kid that will eventually mimic what I do.  A child that I’ll teach how to play catch, drive a car, and give financial advice to. 

It’s an amazing thing, isn’t it?  When I’m flying, I can look from the airplane down at the world and it all looks so well-organized and peaceful.  There’s not a noise the reaches the plane and even flying over a big city is beautiful.  If you go down to the surface, you see the worst of the worst this world has to offer.  In this situation, in this pondering in my head, it’s the opposite.  From the stadium view, every person is identical and does not matter.  However, up close, each person is unique and a product of the ones that brought them into this world. 

I can’t wait.

February 17.  It’s around this time each year that something amazing happens.  Pitchers and Catchers report to Spring Training in Arizona and Florida.  Specifically, Cardinal Pitchers and Cardinal Catchers head to Jupiter, Florida to begin preparation for Spring Training Games and for the Regular season.

This season is a bit different than normal.  First of all, on opening day, I’m going to be a father.  For some reason, being a father and a baseball fan has some sort of mystique about it.  I watch football, but I’m not that interested in it.  I enjoy basketball, but I can do with or without it.  I love baseball.  I love the strategy.  I love the fact that some people find it boring, because it means you see something special in it that others can’t (similar to Robert Altman films).  I love the crack of the bat.  I love the fact that the beginning of Spring Training or the Season means the weather is warming up and summer is coming.  There’s just so much to love about it.

I can remember being young and watching a Cardinals game with my Dad and thinking about how boring it was.  I wonder if Junior will think the same.

I remember my Dad coming home after the Mark McGwire trade and impersonating his batting stance to tell me the Cardinal got him in a trade.

I remember sitting in the kitchen watching the opening day of the baseball season when McGwire began his record breaking pace.  (The memory is slightly tainted now.)

I remember Gary Gaetti’s Grand Slam in Game 3 of the 1996 NLCS and thinking there’s no way the Cardinals can lose now!

I remember game 5, 6, and 7 of the 1996 NLCS when the Atlanta Braves outscored the Cardinal 32-1 and being absolutely heartbroken.

I remember vividly the no-hitters of Bud Smith and Jose Jiminez. 

I remember Fernado Tatis hitting two grand slams in one inning. 

The World Series win of 2006.

Joe McEwing.

The heart break of other post-season losses.

Most importantly though, I loved and still love hearing my dad tell stories about baseball players that I never got to see.  Players in the 1960s and 1970s when he was a kid and a young adult.  I feel as though there’s something special about being able to tell my son those same stories.  To share with him the memories above (and a whole bunch of other ones) seems almost magical.

And while he’ll have no idea what’s happening, I’m excited that he’ll be here for Opening Day 2010… April 5 versus Cincinnati on ESPN.

In the 3rd Grade, I was tasked with doing an “All About Me” board on the wall.  I had to bring in pictures and write words that described me.  One of the words I chose was “Weird” (though I spelled it “wierd” and I still spell it wrong most of the time).  Then I chose a picture of me sitting on the toilet reading a book with my pants around my ankles.  I was potty-training in the picture, but I don’t think it was quite appropriate for the Me Board, but the teacher put it up there nonetheless. 

Well, weird  or immature would probably still describe my personality.  I enjoy talking really loud and in a monotone voice at work to see what people’s reaction will be.  (They’re perplexed.  It’s actually quite fun, you should try it.)    This is just one example, but I’m sure anyone that knows me has a story that they can think where I’m being less than “normal”.  It’s my style. 

Well, that style didn’t quite mix with the parenting class we went to the other day.  Part of my maturity level (and a gift my Dad has given me as he is stricken with the same affliction) is what we call the “giggles”.  It really is laughing at something that really isn’t funny, but not being able to stop laughing.  I’m sure you’ve done it before.  This is a very good example:

It’s a little worse for me though than the average person.  For example, this would actually happen to me on TV.  (I once said the following: “The record low for today is –34 degrees set back in 1896, so if you were alive back then you’d be …. really… old now.”  That proceeded with me getting the giggles for the rest of the forecast.  Oops.)  I’ve done it at funerals before too.  Anyway, it also happened to me in this class. 

In these classes, one tries to promote and aura of maturity to the other parents.  (Why hello… I’m in this class not because i need to be, but because I want to prove to everyone that I’m a good parent.)  I think I failed in convincing others of this.

1) During a video telling us what would happen shortly after birth.  A baby got their vitamin K shot in their leg.  For some reason the baby’s reaction (pure terror) on the video struck me as funny.  I almost lost it here, but gathered myself and prevented any audible laughing (there was some trembling though and looking down).

2) The teacher was good.  She was a nurse, but she was just saying some of the most bizarre things. 

“Listen, babies are going to suck.  They’re going to suck in utero and they’re going suck when they’re born.”

“The umbilical cord will eventually fall off.  Now, on my youngest daughter I actually didn’t even notice the cord fall off.  I just looked at her and said, "Where did that cord go?”  Then I looked down and my dog was chewing on something.  Well, wouldn’t you know he had gotten the cord and was eating it?!?  He was in heaven.  He got quite the treat that day.”

“If you get your boy circumcised, he going to have a scab down there.  Just take the disinfectant goop and just pile it on there like a dairy queen.”

“Whatever you do...  DO NOT bite your baby’s fingernails.”

“If you’re a guy, it going to be weird changing your daughter’s diaper.  It’s a personal area.  My husband couldn’t do it for a long time.  Eventually, when my daughter got older she called that area her “Pretty Girl”.  “My pretty girl” this and “my pretty girl” that…”

I made my wife to write all of these down so you could see what I had to deal with to prevent from laughing.

3) Playing with dolls is not my thing.  However, in any good baby class you’re going to be given a baby doll to “wash” and change diapers.

First of all, I find these babies funny.  Second of all, I still feel ridiculous playing doll by wiping a plastic child’s butt.  At one point we had to turn the baby over to “wash its back”.  Well, I didn’t want to lose sight of my child’s eyes so I turned its head all the way around.  Then I heard someone laughing to my right and another couple was looking at me working with this child and placing its hands, legs, and head in strange positions.  It’s at that point I realized I was the student that the teacher secretly hates for making the entire class unruly.

4) There were a lot of boobs flying around in that room.  Not the pregnant people in there, but on the video.  I can’t imagine what the breast feeding class is going to be like.  Help me God…

5) I’m still a junior high student at heart, I find words like “penis”, “breast” and “uterus” funny when they are said out loud by an individual.

In the end, I was told by the wife to get on my phone and surf facebook so I would stop laughing while the teacher was talking.  It made me realize, I’m definitely going to be one of those fathers that laughs boisterously with my son as he farts really loud.  I’m sorry people, but that’s just funny.

When I was young, I remember watching “Look Who’s Talking”. If you’ll remember it was a charming comedy about kids that had internal monologues, but they could hear each other… so they weren’t completely internal. Grown-ups could *not* hear them, which was comedic. It was classic late 1980s comedy!

There’s a scene in that movie before the babies are born. Not only could babies talk in the movie, but sperm and eggs could talk too. Of course, this was also my first lesson about sperm and eggs. Couple things I learned from the movie… 1) You need a giant round ball to create a baby and the mom has that, 2) you need a fleet of tadpoles provided by the dad. 3) When they meet, they make a baby through magic. 4) Those sperm sure are comedic!! From there, I had to use my imagination to draw all other conclusions.

As we drove on a long family vacation road-trip (which are definitely some of the highlights of my childhood), I began to think about the fact that I was the last child my parents ever had. My sister, then 6.5 years later, me and then nothing… just silence. I wondered why… and then I hit on it!

Me: I know why you didn’t have any more kids after me.

Mom: Why is that?

Dad: Ya. Why is that?

Me: Because dad is bald.

Dad: What?

Me: Dad. [very serious] Listen. You once had hair and when you had hair, you had babies. Now you are bald. Clearly the tadpole things live in your hair and since you lost all of your hair, you don’t have anymore tadpoles to have more babies.

Case closed. It was sound reasoning really. Truthfully, I’m lucky I’m even here as my dad was nearly bald when I was born. However, in my mind that’s the only thing that had changed and therefore it was the only reason my parents failed to have more children.

Anyway, I bring up this story, because we got a beautiful gift from a friend the other day.

How cute. However, as I unpackaged the mobile, I noticed the logo of the company that makes it.

The end.

Stunning and I had a pregnancy scare that became real.  However, a few months after she was pregnant, we had another pregnancy scare.  This time it had nothing to do with bring pregnant, but instead had to do with her.

Stunning has always had problems with one of her eyes.  (Well, not always, but shortly after we started dating.)  Her retina is all wrinkled and weird.  I am pretty sure it needs a good ironing, but apparently the doctors don’t think there’s a good solution.  One doctor said she’d be blind in months, another doctor said years, and another said never. (She can still see right now.)

Her eyes were bothering her more since the pregnancy began, so she went to the doctor who sat back and became very concerned.  Then she said, “It’s almost like something is pushing against the eye.”  There’s not much scarier phrase than that… I mean, seriously, to say that you can only think of one thing, tumor. This appointment was on a Friday and the next chance to get an MRI (which had to be approved by the OB) was on Monday.

That was a strange weekend of trying to keep the thoughts out of your mind.    Exactly what is a husband and soon to be father to think in a situation like that?  There’s not much that could be thought.  You privately go through the what if’s and freak out in your head, but work to act like “it’s all good” on the outside. 

I’m not going to lie that the thought of “What if I have to do this by myself?” didn’t cross my mind.  I would have to grieve, but figure out everything on my own.  It became very apparent that weekend as I thought through the what-ifs of just how much I rely on my wife.  She settled me down that weekend with the right words.  She pushes me to be a better person.  She gives me faith.  She makes me laugh and smile and cry with joy.  The ability she has to affect me is amazing, so even to have a what if of that not being there was shocking.  Then to add to it the fact that I’d have to raise Junior by myself.  It was almost too much to handle.

We had the MRI on Monday and the results took two more days.  The what-ifs continued, but eventually it came back as negative.  There will be more follow-ups after the pregnancy, but Junior can’t have any while he resides in her belly. 

Even though I didn’t go through it, it made me gain an amazing amount of respect for single fathers.  It also made me realize how much I rely on my wife for my well-being.  We’re doing good now and hopefully there won’t be any other pregnancy scares.

The thought of false labor got me thinking about actually having Junior.  Soon enough, we’ll be heading to the hospital to actually give birth to our son.  Then, I’ll get to know him!

I’m not sure if this is normal for most father still waiting for their child to be born, but I feel really disconnected from him.  I get to hear my wife talk about what he’s doing…

“He’s sleeping.”
”He’s awake.”
”Oooo… he’s kicking now!”
”Junior sure is quiet today.”
”Junior is doing flips.”

Sometimes she says “He’s really kicking,” and I hurriedly put my hand on her stomach, only for her to say, “Oh, you won’t be able to feel it.”  (Apparently, he’s kicking her insides.) How disappointing.  It’s almost like the two of them have this amazing relationship even before birth and I’m just on the outside looking in. 

Other times, he’ll be kicking up a storm and she’ll grab my hand, put it on her stomach and then…. nothing.  He stops.  It’s for this reason, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really like me.  He might grow to like me, but right now, he’s not too excited about me being around.

It got me to wondering if this is normal.  I’m almost jealous of my pregnant wife (not jealous enough to deal with being pregnant), but jealous that she gets to have this type of relationship with our son and I’m left sitting on the sidelines.  I’m sure once he’s born, this will change, but for right now it’s frustrating.

A couple years ago, I told Stunning that when she got pregnant to tell me by buying the WillowTree New Dad sculpture and giving it to me.

I’m not too big into this little figurines, but I thought it would be a cool and cheesy way to find out that I’m a new dad. Plus, sometimes I like to play into stereotypes and having these figurines is a good Christian stereoptype.

Anyway, I mentioned it and then I found out my wife was pregnant by her walking out of the bathroom saying, “I think I’m pregnant” and then start crying. Needless to say, that was slightly less magical than finding out through my little figurine.

This Christmas I got a great present though. The statue. I knew what it was when I was unwrapping it, but since it was in my head that I’d get this shortly before I became a father… I think unwrapping it was a bit too much to handle. Not gonna lie… couple tears got in my eyes. I’m not entirely sure why, but it did.

It came a few months late and perhaps we’re all in a better position now to give and receive it, but for sure it’s the best Christmas present I have ever been given.

I’ve wanted to talk about this for awhile.  (It’s the second post here, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to get it off my chest.)   It’s the role of not just becoming a father, but the role of having an unexpected baby.  Here’s a gift from God, but it’s been delivered to you in a time that you’re not prepared for it.

My wife just graduated law school, is working hard studying for the bar (working hard is an understatement… more like working like an underage child in a shoe factory), living in my in-laws’ guest house and I have just found a job.  There’s one good thing about the entire situation: I have a job.  It took me longer than I wanted to get one, so when I did it was with much relief.  Anyway, we’re two weeks away from the bar exam and my wife’s sister finds out she’s pregnant.  That gets Stunning (that’s my name for my wife here) thinking about herself and she begins to worry.  She takes an old generic test… one that she had from her last time of getting worried… and finds out that the baby test does nothing to calm her fears (that was her plan… take a test and not have to worry about it anymore), but it instead confirms, as in positive.

Wow.  What a way to turn a world upside down.  Stunning and I had a 5 year plan, which I included a baby in at the end of the plan and she included the baby in a 10 year plan.  What I’m about to say might be difficult for some to read and frankly now it’s difficult for me to type, but I didn’t want the child. 

There are some people in this world that try and try and try and can’t get pregnant.  There are others that want a baby more than anything else.  There are others that get pregnant right away, but lose the baby.  All of these people deserved to have a baby more than us.  There was so much guilt between the two of us about these feelings.  How do you tell other people that the gift of life you’ve created isn’t something you want.  We wouldn’t be able to travel.  We wouldn’t be able to save the money we wanted to get a house, a new car, as fast as we wanted.  There was a whole bunch of “Now we can’t” going on in both of our heads.

Well, I’m here to tell people that might be reading this… that might be in the same situation… to wait.  Step back and just wait.  As the days went by, those feelings began to fade.  They’re gone now.  I can’t describe to you how much I already love my son.  Tonight, I held my face to my wife’s belly and just listened.  You could hear him moving in there and then he started to kick or punch or head-butt my face.  There is no feeling in the world that can describe that.

I’m sorry I felt that way at the beginning.  I think more than anything it was a kind of grieving process for the passing of what could have been… That’s gone now.  Sure, I still think of my planned trip to Germany next year that won’t happen and about the Lexus IS250 that I won’t have… but they all pale in comparison to the knowledge that in March I’ll be holding my beautiful baby son.  He’s going to be magnificent.