I don’t want to jinx anything at all, but I want you to know that on Wednesday night Junior had his best night ever.  It was great and we felt like real parents.  He was chill and didn’t cry once after 6pm to this writing (I’m writing it at 8pm)!  Now, I doubt things will continue to go this well, but I wanted to share in the joy that we at least had a few hours of sanity in our house.

I want to say though that this whole being a father thing is a lot harder to deal with than what I thought it would be.  It seems each night there’s a whole new set of emotions.  Explaining those emotions and telling people about them can also make you look like a real big jerk.  However, I want to try… my hope is that other fathers and people suffering with a child that has acid reflux, colic, milk protein allergy, or anything that makes a baby cry for hours and hours with no consoling can read this and hopefully know that these emotions are normal…

However, before I talk about them, I want you to know that I absolutely adore my son.  I love him more than I ever thought possible. 

• Sadness:  Imagine looking at a person you love more than this world and watching him suffer and know there is nothing that you can do to solve the problem for the kid.  When Junior cried from this, he would cry so hard his face would turn bright red and he couldn’t even get a gasp of air because of it.  He was gasping for air so that he can cry more.  It’s absolutely terrible.
• Frustration: When there’s nothing you can do, and especially when you don’t even know what is wrong, it is the most frustrating thing in the world to hold a baby that will not stop crying.  There are so many shameful thoughts that run through your mind in this situation that it will make you even more frustrated you’re thinking that.  In the height of the crying, I wanted someone else to take him away so that I wouldn’t have to hear it anymore.  How terrible is that?  I wanted to be a dad like no other and now I just want him to go away?
• Guilt:  I felt terrible guilt for feeling so frustrated.  I’m a very even keel guy.  I never get angry or frustrated, so it was difficult to be in that position.  You just feel guilty and like you’re a terrible parent because you can’t handle it. 
• Anger: Two nights ago, I was so angry that I was put in this situation.  Why, of all people and of all babies, were we given one that is in so much pain?  That’s preventing us from enjoying his first weeks on Earth?  I was mad at God for doing that to me, to my wife, to Jack… it didn’t seem fair and it still doesn’t.  The bible is full of anger toward God, but it doesn’t make you feel better knowing that. 

Those are the main ones I guess.  I know I’ll feel them again.  I know I feel terrible that I’ve felt them already.  People keep telling us that he’ll get better and this will only last for a few months… Unfortunately, when you just got done with month one… it’s hard to hear it could last 10 months.  We’ll get through it though.  Just needs some prayers for patience and healing and perseverance.  And to anyone that got here from searching Google, please know that the frustration is normal and you’ll get through it.  Just take some time to breath and know the baby is just as frustrated and angry as you are.