There’s a good chance my wife will be in a continual state of wanting pancakes.  That’s because over the next few weeks there’s a good chance she’ll smell like a hot pile of steaming pancakes drenched with maple syrup.  This isn’t some type of strange fat guy fantasy… It’s the truth.

Remember adventures in breastfeeding?  Well, the adventures have continued.  After I wrote my last post about it, Stunning developed extreme nausea while trying to feed from the boob.  She lost her appetite and said it was similar to the first trimester nausea.  Awesome.  Apparently, there’s a rare side effect to breast feeding, which is nausea and my wife is one in a million that had it.  Luckily that slowly disappeared.  It still rears its head every once in awhile, but nothing too extreme.

Then after the nausea went away, breastfeeding became extremely painful.  Like to the point that her toes would curl.  Yikes.  That was fun.. not really.

Then we have discovered over the last week and a half that she’s not producing enough milk.  If you see a lactation specialist, they weigh the baby before a feeding, let the mom feed and then weigh him afterward to see how much he took in.  Well, we were having some problems so we went to see the lactation person once and she was extremely helpful.. we thought we had it all figured out.  Then things deteriorated again…

Junior would basically sit at the boob and drink non-stop for almost an hour.  When the hour was up, he’d be in a state of panic.  He would stop latching and just go crazy.  We tried everything, but then we gave him a bottle of pumped milk, he drank another 2 ounces from it and then fell asleep.  This happened multiple times… clearly 50 minutes is not long enough, because my wife’s boobs aren’t giving him enough.  She made another appointment.

This time she had a different expert (what a strange job that would be, by the way) and this lady weighed him and then left for 45 minutes as Stunning breast fed… and then weighed him again and in 45 minutes he drank 1 ounce.  ONE OUNCE!!  After that, he was spastic crying and going crazy.. clearly hungry.  This lactation person though was close to a grade A dummy.  She said he was crying because he was probably having acid reflux.  She said one ounce was enough because “breast milk has more calories than formula”.  Ummm last time I checked, babies go by when their stomach is full not by looking at the nutritional facts on the side of a breast.  (“200% of my daily sodium?  Do you have a light version of your left breast mom?”)

Anyway, Stunning left that appointment in a state of shock.  The lady said that 1 ounce was enough, when we all know it’s not.  The kids an eater.  He’ll down one ounce in 2 minutes and then down another 3 if he’s hungry enough.  Then the fact that a supplement bottle will settle him down makes it clear that acid reflux isn’t a problem.

In the end, Stunning got in contact with another lactation lady from Madela (quite possibly the best company out there) and this lady said that indeed she was very low on milk production.  She suggested Fenugreek.  It’s a supplement that is used to increase milk production.  Well, it’s also used in cheap oatmeal… to make oatmeal smell like maple syrup.  That’s right… a side effect of Fenugreek is that you’ll start to smell like maple syrup.

My wife is going to become a big steaming pile of pancakes.

Yesterday was my first day back at work, as you may have read yesterday… if that post yesterday made any sense at all.  I barely remember writing this.

You don’t really realize how much work you do at work on a daily basis until you’re gone for an extended period.  Then when you come back, there’s a lot to do!  Needless to say, yesterday was a very busy day and beyond that it made it worse when you are also very exhausted.

However, the toughest part by far was being away from my wife and son.  He’s a beautiful baby, but goodness gracious can he be fussy!  I love him to death, but when you see “perfect baby” in the dictionary… it’s not our kid.  He has two main times to be fussy… the first is in the morning from 6am to noon.  The second is from 9pm until midnight.  It’s not fussy that he has colic or something like that, it’s just typical fussiness at inopportune times.

Therefore, the hardest part about going back to work was to leave my wife at home handling it all herself.  For the time I had off, it was truly a two person job.  Now, it’s being forced into a one person job and that’s just not easy.  You combine some pregnancy hormones on top of that and it’s a crazy recipe. 

I came home for lunch, but that was only about 20 minutes (I live 20 minutes from work), so that gave her an opportunity to shower and be separated from the baby some. 

On Sunday night, she asked if I was excited to “get a break”.  I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I was and I told her that.  The worst part though is that she gets no break!  Well, she will… but by the time she gets a break he’ll be sleeping through the night… or at least for a four hour stretch.

Anyway, the next challenge is to find a routine for us to be on, since our old routine is now bunk.

I’m talking about where you work and what you do.  I mean, you should always love what you do as a matter of hobbies and life.  However, I’m here to tell you to actually love what you do 40 or more hours per week. 

Today, I’m headed back to work after the birth of my son.  Today will be the longest time I’ve spent away from him.  Previous to this, I have been away approximately 1 hour on an emergency grocery shopping trip.  However, the ability to stick around with my kid was a direct result of the fact that I’m actually working at a place that I absolutely love.

It’s been a decently long path to get here.  I graduated college with a degree in meteorology and worked at TV stations in Omaha and LaCrosse, Wisconsin.  I wanted to be a meteorologist since I was in the 5th grade, but when I finally arrived in my dream positions, they offered less than to be desired.  I made the difficult choice after four years to find something else to do.  I “retired” from tv after five years when I moved to San Antonio.

I moved down here unemployed and began job searching.  (I’ll follow up tomorrow about how I got this job.)  I got the job after a couple months of being down here.  It’s for a company called Rackspace.  It’s consistently ranked as one of the top places to work in the country and I know why.

In the media business, budgets are being cut and positions are being slashed.  Rackspace has continued to hire people throughout this entire recession. 

Here’s what I love about the position though… they’re interested in me growing as an employee and an individual.  They’re interested in finding the ways that I’m motivated and motivating me through those means.  It’s a place where I can go to work wearing shorts and still be dressed better than a vice president.  The pressure is on your work performance and not other means. 

Rackspace is interested in customer service, so in my position I get the extraordinary power to do what is necessary for the customer. 

Anyway, I’ll end this rambling post about my job (I’m sleep deprived, so I apologize for the lack of organization of these next few posts).  However, it’s been an amazing time home with my kid… afforded to me by a great company that I love what I do.  These next few days will be difficult, but at least I’m not going to a job that I hate.  Instead, I’m going to one I love.

I’ve started another blog for you to waste your time on.  My goal is to create a book for Junior after his first year is complete.  That will be March 7, 2011.  This book will have a picture of him taken each day of his first 365 days.  I think it will be really cool to see him grow up picture by picture… there are some big changes that happen in the first year. 

For instance, take a look -

Newborn (not Junior, by the way)

1 Year Old (definitely not Junior)

It will also give me a chance to push my photography and hopefully become better.  Practice makes perfect, and being forced to take pictures every day is quite a bit of practice.  Therefore, to keep me honest in taking these daily pictures, I created a blog to put them on.  It’s nothing fancy, just one picture per day with a brief title. 

I’m pretty excited about it and I’m happy with the results so far.  I just hope I can keep it up!

http://365junior.blogspot.com

If you’re looking for my wife’s blog… and you’re trying to go to the website using the www address, please try something different.  The domain name expired.  The company I got it through was going to charge me $40 to renew it (which is highway robbery), so I let it expire.  Now, some company is holding it hostage and won’t let me get it through godaddy or another service. 

That blog has more personal information, so it isn’t public like this one.  However, if you’re privy to seeing it, please redirect your links from saying – www.consideringablog.com (I know this isn’t the real site, but hopefully you’re smart enough to figure it out.) – and make it say consideringablog.blogspot.com

Hope that helps!

If you are around babies or have a new baby, you might be able to identify with the hand-washing obsession.  Of course, it’s good form to keep your hands clean when you’re working with a child.  When you know there’s a direct correlation of your hands being dirty and the amount they get sick, you want to wash your hands as much as possible.

However, what you might not want are the after-effects of this obsession.  That is rough, dry hands that are constantly scratchy.  Man… these hands are not much fun to work with.  I’ve always had drier hands, but this is ridiculous!

Anyway, we’ve invested in some hand lotion, to help combat the anti-bacterial soap and hand sanitizer.  I just pray it works…

::End Short, Pointless Post::

You hear it all of the time, but I don’t think you realize it until you’re actually buying everything.  A few things that are expensive:

1. Diapers.  I knew we’d go through diapers, but this is ridiculous!  The kid loves to poop.  When he’s not pooping, he loves to pee.  Sometimes he really likes to do both at the same time.  Here’s the thing that drives a cheapskate like me crazy.  I go to change his diaper.  He’s peed it and there’s just a little poo.  You un-diaper him, clean him up, diaper him, and then pick him up with a big smile on your face knowing you baby is 100% clean.  As you lift him, you see his face contort and his stomach muscles contract and then WHAM… a huge toot… and a huge poop and you start everything all over again.  Money down the drain kiddo!  Next time, poop before the diaper change!
2. Wipes.  Same with diapers… the more you change the diapers, the more you wipe them clean.  You put the wipes in a box and pull them out one by one… they’re worth a few cents each and the batch of them is worth a lot more than that. 
3. Doctor’s visits.  After leaving the hospital (which I haven’t mentioned, but that entire birth process cost a lot), we had to go to the doctor three times for the jaundice issue.  We also have his 2 week appointment.  Each appointment, there’s a $25 co-pay.  Of course, that doesn’t even mention the actual cost of the appointment that insurance will not pay.
4. Formula.  We bought some formula when we supplemented to get rid of the jaundice.  That stuff is pricey.
5. College.  That’s going to cost a lot too.

In the end, it’s clear this baby will cost a lot.  I’m just glad we don’t have twins!

Almost all kids deal with the thing called jaundice at one point or another.  (Well, I guess it’s usually within the first few days of life that they deal with it, but you get what I mean… it affects a lot of children.)  Junior was one of those kids. 

When we left the hospital, the nurses said there were no signs of jaundice.  24 hours later, his nose had a crisp yellow and the whites of his eyes were not very white anymore.  Therefore, we called the doctor and headed in that day.  When you have a baby, it seems you go to the doctor a lot.

It’s amazing how quickly you can get attachment to your child.  While I knew everything was going to be okay (again, most children get jaundice), it was still tough to know that there is something wrong with your baby.  Of course, it didn’t help that the nurse practitioner messed up the severity.  The first time she told us, and as we left the office, she had us believing that Junior was at “high” risk from jaundice.  In reality, it was moderate.  That’s a big difference for parents who are both good at worrying. 

Anyway, it led to an uncomfortable 24 hour period.  We had to sunbathe Junior:

We also had to feed him more..  Since we were breastfeeding it meant Stunning had a lot of work to do.. Here were the orders: 1) Feed Junior from the boob every three hours.  2) After feeding him give him a bottle of pumped breast milk. 3) Pump breast milk 1.5 hours after the start of a feeding.

That doesn’t sound too bad.  However, when you realize it takes this kid 30 minutes to feed, which means when he’s done feeding, she had 60 minutes before pumping.  Then she’d have to pump for 30 minutes to get enough milk. Then feed him 60 minutes later.  After pumping, she would wash everything, change his diaper, get him to settle down.  She did this for 24 hours.  Talk about torture and making you feel like a milking machine… 

Anyway, after all that work we went back to the doctor the next day and found out his levels had actually gone up.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, because increased levels can be sustained as he gets older.  However, he was still at the “moderate” risk level.  This meant we faced another 24 hours of this torture. 

When we went to the doctor’s the next day, we discovered his levels had decreased and we rejoiced.  It was 72 hours of worry, torture, and pretty crazy period of his life.  He’s done with jaundice now though, so we can be happy.

However, I must say, for as bad as Junior had it.   His cousin had it much worse.  He had to go back to the hospital.  He got better after being under a light bath for 24 hours.  Now that’s torture!

Poor little dude.

It’s interesting when you look into the eyes of a newborn.  You know they’re looking out and seeing things, but you can’t really figure out what they’re thinking… Are they thinking?  I have no idea as that would probably require a higher degree than my bachelors in Atmospheric Sciences. 

That’s Junior.  (And I was so mad when I got the picture on a larger screen and noticed it wasn’t crisp.  Nothing makes an amateur photographer more frustrated than finding blur on a great picture.  That’s besides the point though…)

My point is that Stunning and I are putting a lot of work into baby and we’re not even sure he realizes it.  Now, it’s not like I’m going to stop, but I keep looking at him waiting for him to give me some feedback.  It’s only polite to say “Thanks” when someone else wipes your own butt, but instead he just screams when I do it. 

I love him to death and it’s going to be so fascinating watching him grow and develop.  Right now, I’m eagerly awaiting the first real smile.  (Not the fake… “I’ve got some strange gas bubbles, so I’m going to get a look on my face that is like a smile” smile, but a real smile.)  In the end though, what I can’t wait to do is talk to him… about anything… but just talk to him. 

We hosted a baby shower the night before Junior came.  Apparently, the stress of hosting is a great way to induce labor!  Anyway, these were the cupcakes for the shower.  We had a ton left over, so we brought them in for the nurses in the post-partum department.  They were very excited.

All girls love at least one TLC show.  Before we got engaged, Stunning loved a show where they’d surprise someone with an engagement.  Many girls love A Wedding Story, a Pregnancy Story, a Baby Story, a Baptism Story…  Anyway, in the vein of TLC, the following is the story of Junior’s birth written by the wife:

Junior was two weeks early and it was quite the shock to everyone (including my doctor) that he came when he did. My big sister, who was also due March 21, had been showing prelabor signs for days…she’d been nesting, her body was giving her the “signs”, and she’d been having irregular contractions. We were all sure that she’d have her little one early last week. On Saturday night (the 6th), my parents and I threw a baby shower for a good friend of ours. I felt great (aside from being enormous and completely bloated) and didn’t feel at all like I was going to go into labor within a matter of hours.

The shower wrapped up and we sat on my parent’s porch with them until about 11:30 just chatting and enjoying the nice weather. John and I went to bed with absolutely NO idea that it was our last night’s sleep without a baby. Around 3:45, I woke up. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom but I’d learned that if you are awake, you may as well go because you’re going to have to go again in a minute anyway. I stood up and took the first step to the bathroom and—CRAP! I peed my pants! I ran to the bathroom and called to John. I said, “John? I think my water just broke. But not really, I think I just peed my pants. I don’t know.” We had a quick google search session to find out whether I was going into labor and decided to go back to sleep (responsible, eh?) because a) only like 30% of women’s water breaks on its own and my mom’s never did so I figured mine wouldn’t either and b) I really thought it was just me wetting myself—the idea of losing bladder control at 9 months pregnant isn’t that bizarre. I woke up a few more times during the night and every time I stood up, I’d wet myself AGAIN! At that point, I was pretty sure Jack was on his way. I woke John up and we decided to head to the hospital “Just in case”. I was still pretty sure they’d send me home and tell me to buy some depends or something. We got to the hospital and pressed the buzzer for them to let us into the Labor and Delivery wing. A woman came back on the speaker and said, “May I help you?” Um…really lady, why else would someone be buzzing that? It was very awkward when I responded, “Umm…I think I’m going to have a baby?”

The rest of the day is kind of a blur. They gave me pitocin to speed up my contractions because I wasn’t having any yet and once the water breaks, the baby needs to get out in 24 hours or the risk of infection increases. So apparently contractions are kind of painful. After a couple hours of dealing with those and squeezing John’s hand into oblivion, I got an epidural. John made the mistake of looking at the needle and decided at that point that he’d keep his eyes averted from my body during the next few hours.  The epidural didn’t hurt that I remember—probably because it felt like nothing compared to the contractions. Drugs are awesome, by the way. I have a friend who is a rockstar and is going to have her baby naturally and I don’t know how she will handle it. Those first few hours of contractions were enough for me to lose my mind. Ashley, you’re awesome. Anyway, I managed to take a nap which was good because my sleep the past few weeks had been rough (especially that night) and I didn’t realize how much energy I’d need to push this little bambino out. We checked into the hospital at 7:30 AM and I began pushing around 5:45. 

Junior arrived at 7:16 PM on March 7, 2010. He was 8 lbs, 3 oz and 19 1/2 inches long. The doctor and nurses all told me how big of a baby he was. They seemed pretty shocked when I informed them that he was 2 weeks early. My doctor didn’t deliver Junior because she wasn’t on call that weekend. She came to see me the next day and said, “Well that was a bit of a surprise.” Indeed it was but thank goodness! I’d have had a 10 pounder if he’d waited until his due date!

Junior scowling at his mom.

Junior’s “Going Home” Outfit. Last summer, I lived in Texas for a clerkship while John was still up in Nebraska. He’s a creeper and made me a coffee mug with a ton of his different faces on it. He said it was “to remember him” or something. It creeped me out. It still creeps me out. Bridget & her friend had this made to continue creeping me out. It says, “Yup, That’s My Dad!”

I may look exhausted and gross, but I don’t care. Look how cute my son is. Woah, my son. That’s weird. 

When we came home, Junior was greeted with some welcoming goodies: A sign on the carport gate, “It’s A Boy!” Wreath, Truman & Boo sporting blue bows, edible bouquet from John’s work colleagues, flowers, and a fridge full of pasta!

You need to take 5 minutes to watch this video.  Seriously, I am not joking, you have to watch it…

A few things I’d like to review:

1. What the hell?!? 
2. At 20 seconds, the mom tells the child, “If there’s any monkey business, I’ll have to leave.”  Ummm… what monkey business would that be??
3. How awkward is it to see a giant child at the momma’s nip?
4. If her sister likes it so much, why did she stop feeding at the age of five?
5. When Junior is able to verbalize… or come close to verbalize… or be within a couple years of verbalizing his breastfeeding experience… he will not be breastfeeding
6. Amazing Line: “Better than anything in the world, better than a mango even.”
7. Even More Amazing Line: “I’d rather have lots of breast milk than a million melons.”
8. Pretty Amazing Line: “They don’t like it when I put a bra on, they think I’m trapping the breast.”
9. I’m sorry lady, but if your kids have been at the breast for over 10 years… I’m pretty certain you *do* have long nipples.  I’d wager they’re gigantically long. 
10. I’m glad they won’t be allowed to breastfeed when they get married, but my guess is that it’s going to be a challenge to find someone to marry when you try to rationalize sucking your momma’s boobs for so long…
11. Anyone surprised that they pray to the earth and sun?  I’m not.
12. The husband says, “If my mother could see us now…”  Dude…  I’m guessing if your mother saw what was going on in your house, she’d slap you.  It wouldn’t be a normal slap though, it’d be a really hard slap and maybe a double slap.
13. I have no current plans to taste my wife’s breast milk.

Perhaps the greatest challenge in my 11 day old life as a father has been breastfeeding… and no people… I am not the one doing the breastfeeding.  However, that does not mean I don’t have a big role to play. 

It’s pretty amazing that each day it seems we’re facing a new challenge.  I’m writing this post on Tuesday morning, so by the time it posts in 24 hours we’ll probably have faced a whole new challenge.

The amazing thing about breastfeeding is that you would think it is the most natural thing in the world.  I mean, we’ve all been doing it for thousands and thousands of years.  People didn’t have bottle a few hundred years ago and that meant there’s only one option… the boob.  However, as someone going through the boob feeding, it’s definitely not as instinctual as one would think.

First of all, in the hospital the breastfeeding was extremely painful for my wife.  When he latched, it nearly brought tears to her eyes…and a few times it did.

Speaking of latching, it’s been a constant struggle.  For those without a background, a latch is when the baby make a good suction on the nip and the latch itself should stay constant for quite some time.  When Junior is doing good, the latch will last 20 minutes.  Sometimes it lasts 10 seconds.

Junior had a bout of jaundice and we were under orders from the doctor to increase the amount he was eating.  The doctor told us to feed him every three hours and then have Stunning pump 1.5 hours after and then feed him the pumped milk at his next feeding.  Therefore, Stunning would feed him at the nip and this would take 30 – 40 minutes.  Then she’d pump an hour later for 15 – 30 minutes.  Then an hour later she’d feed him for 30 minutes and give him the bottle and then have to pump an hour later.  We did this for 24 hours, went back to the doctor and they told us to do it for another 24 hours.  That’s when we had a mental breakdown (and really, we had a boob breakdown as well… that’s a lot of work for boobs!!).

To combat the jaundice, we then started supplementing with formula.  Then Junior no longer wanted to latch, because he had discovered the joys of a bottle, which supplies the same amount of milk as a boob but in 5 minutes instead of 40.

Stunning and I prayed and prayed and prayed that he would latch again and we could begin breasfeeding him again.  This was on Sunday.

On Monday, Junior latched!!!  We were so thrilled.  He got a good latch at noon and wouldn’t let go.  He let go at 12:40pm and then wanted more at 1pm!  We were so excited… then the dude never wanted to let go.  He was basically attached for 12 hours straight at the boob.  It was out of control.  God answered our prayers with something like, “Oh you want him to latch? I’ll show you latching!”  By 9pm on Monday, Stunning and I were praying that he would stop latching and be satisfied.

We’re thinking he wasn’t getting enough food from the nip, so it required a lot of feeding.  Needless to say, this was quite taxing…  Last night, we went back to a bottle of collected milk and ended up going with a bottle of formula as well.  

It’s Tuesday and who knows what will happen today.  On Wednesday, we have an appointment with a lactation expert… and hopefully we’ll get some more information.

I wrote the previous post on Sunday and set it up to auto-post.  I would like to rescind some of the things stated within that update.

Junior has decided he’s not going to be a championship sleeper.  In that, he’s going to wake up constantly and not just every three hours.  That means his parents (that’s me, in case you were wondering) are not getting three hour spans of sleep together.  Instead, we take turns staying awake feeding him or trying to find other ways to keep him satiated.

It’s interesting in that we take turns of getting to the brink of utter madness from the lack of sleep and frustration from keeping him screaming and we take turns talking the other person through these feelings. 
It’s okay to be frustrated when your son decides not to sleep and you’ve done everything under the sun to settle him down, but he won’t.  When you’re low on sleep, it’s pretty crazy how this will affect you.

Therefore, after some consideration, I would pick my desired sleep pattern in this order:

1. The entire family sleeps for 6 to 8 hours straight.
2. Junior sleeps every three hours and we sleep every three hours with him.
3. Junior is still in his mother’s tummy and we sleep for 8 hours, but the quality of sleep isn’t very good.
4. I sleep on a carnival ride.
5. I sleep on a carnival ride sitting next to a smelly carny.
6. I try to take a nap on the wing of an airplane during take-off.
7. I sleep while being attached to a whale’s back.
8. I sleep and have one of those nightmares where you wake up and think the nightmare was real and you have thoughts like, “Oh no.  I need to get to the grocery store before the hippo eats all of my prized collectable golden apples.  If I don’t, the wicked witch of the jungle will eat me.”
9. I sleep while the chinese torture machine drips water on my forehead.
10. My current situation.

A couple weeks ago, I discussed my terrible sleep patterns.  The patterns were made by an app on my iPhone and they looked like this:

A good sleep pattern looks something like this:

This is not my sleep graph.  This is the sleep graph of my boss, who has the same app, and consistently makes me angry with all of his beautiful deep sleep.  Since he’s my boss though, I try not to let my anger show. 

Anyway, the first sleep cycle is a week before Junior decided to kick the hell out of the amniotic sac, rupture it, and come into this world two weeks early.  Now, my entire definition of a good sleep has changed.  Junior, thank to a bout of jaundice, had to go on a strict eating schedule.  It seems like each night there has been a different challenge or something going on.  Either way though, he has to eat every three hours.

I had always heard of people saying that sleep with a newborn wasn’t any good.  I just don’t think I ever understood that until now.  Here’s the deal, I get amazing sleep when I am actually sleeping.  However, that sleep is automatically interrupted every three hours.  Then you have to get everything ready for baby… feeding, changing diapers, settling him down that it can take awhile before you get back to sleep.

While the sleep isn’t as nice, I must say I think it’s been better sleep than those final weeks of pregnancy.  Unfortunately, it’s just not as much sleep.  Therefore, we have to ask ourselves which I’d prefer… I’ll get back to you with the answer, because I have no freaking clue.

Well, now that I’m a dad, I am pretty sure I know everything now.  In fact, from my knowledge of being a young child I remember knowing that my Dad knew pretty much everything.  Of course, now that I’m in that same situation, I have realized that fathers don’t really know as much as their kids think they do.  In just the first week of being a dad, there have been challenges and unknowns at pretty much every corner.

There’s really nowhere to begin that I can accurately describe to you everything that has happened over the past week.  However, I wanted to mention a few things:

1. Perhaps I’m a weirdy, but I did not have that life altering “My life has changed since I saw my son” moment when I first saw him.  I definitely got teary-eyed, but that entire impact of the new situation has not hit me.  People say it will change your entire view of life, and while Junior has changed my life (that’s an understatement), I would say I carry the same worldview that I did a week ago.  God is good and the world is amazing, but I’ve known that for a long time now.
2. Since we’re now home, I kind of wish I could go back to the hospital.  :-)  People, with advanced degrees, were available at every call.  They were all very friendly and if I had a question or if a problem arose, they would take care of it.  Now, all I have is Google.
3. When you’re baby is crying and you can’t figure out why and there’s nothing you can do to settle him down… well, that might be the most frustrating moment of a person’s life.  I told him last night, “I can’t wait until your older so we can just talk about what is bothering you.”  He responded by screaming louder.  (Oh… he was hungry…)
4. Somehow you’re ability to operate on small amounts of sleep increases tremendously when there’s another life depending on you waking up.
5. My wife is amazing.  Absolutely amazing.

Of course, there’s much more to come. 

We got everything for Junior that he could possibly want.  However, as we walked through a store the other day, I realized he lacked one thing that every child should have.  And that would be a puppet.
 
Ok.  I’ll be honest.  When I saw the puppet, I got it for myself.  A baby doesn’t need a puppet… as a child probably can’t even operate one until they’re at least 5 years old. 
Anyway, as I saw the puppet and realized that I needed him, I had to test him out.  It was much to the chagrin of my wife, as I began to walk around this department store using Harry’s voice (that’s the puppet’s name) and asking her questions.  Harry had just met Stunning, so he needed some answers about her. 
At one point, it came to blows, and Stunning stated, “Who did I marry?!?  Would you just grow up?” Then a sales associate came from behind a stack of clothes and stated, “What the fun in that?”  I told the nice lady thank you and we walked away.. then Harry realized he didn’t say thank you, so he quickly yelled it back to the lady across the store. 
I was then instructed to take the puppet off my hand until we got home. 

My wife decided it would be fun to use a little internet magic.  Last week, I discussed what would happen if Junior took after my looks.  Of course, since she isn’t quite as selfish as I am, she naturally wondered what he would look like if he had both of our faces combined.  (I hear that’s actually what happens in children… they take one person and combine it with another and you get this mix… go figure.)
Anyway, this is what the internet told us our child will look like:

Interesting. It appears this child is actually an adult with some child like characteristics.  Honestly, he looks like a young human Yoda…  Of course, I’m very excited to see he’ll wear a hoody.  Not quite sure how I feel about the jean jacket though, we might have to have a little talk about that.

I think I did some good reporting in my days in the journalism business.  However, I now know that I never did anything worthwhile.

Genius!  Thank you Todd Beaney… FOX8 News.

I didn’t think it would happen until the due date… maybe even a couple days after.  Neither did Stunning… Neither did the doctor.  However, with all of that said, this blog is no longer about an expecting father, but instead a real father.  CRAZY!
He was born Sunday, March 7 at 7:19pm weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces and measuring 19.5” long.






Me as a Father:

Junior when he found out I was the dad:

With that said, last week I wrote quite a few posts.  They’re on auto-post… so they may mention I’m waiting for Junior to come.  I am no longer, but the old John… the one from last week… was…

You’ve probably heard the old adage: Everything is bigger in Texas.  For example, this is a cinnamon roll at a restaurant here in town:

It’s big.  (And in this picture, I look slightly drugged out.)
These are a pair of Cowboy Boots in town:

They’re big.
My wife is a Texan, so when it comes to the pillow she likes to lay her head on at night… she likes a huge, fluffy pillow.  Well, a couple weeks ago she went to the store and tried to go cheap on a pillow.  No dice.  The following is an artist rendition of her head:

All hanging loose and crooked. She gave up on that pillow quickly and returned to the store.  There she found a pack of two pillows for just $5.  Each pillow was too thin, but she knew if she combined forces the combo would be amazing… similar to peanut butter and jelly or milk and chocolate or the Power Rangers.
Now one would think it would be good to combine said pillow in one pillow case.  However, she had another idea.  She would surgically open one case, steal all of its fluff, and place it in the other pillow.  One case, twice the fluff.  She knew when this was complete, she would have her ultimate pillow.
She performed the surgery.  That night she snuggled up with her pillow.   It was then she discovered she had made it too fat.  Like too much peanut butter and jelly with no bread… it doesn’t work.

This is her pillow.  For comparison, I have placed a standard sized compact disk next to the pillow for comparison:

Yes.  It is true.  Everything is bigger in Texas.

Stunning has always had a history of strange dreams.  For some reason, she has dreams where I’m cheating on her and she’s the type of girl that emotions in those dreams spill over into awakedness, to make up a word.  Other times she’ll punch me in the middle of the night.  I’ve been kicked a few times.  She loves to talk in her sleep, sometimes carrying on long conversations where I can’t hear the other side.  She’s called me from her sleep asking where I was (I was driving home, but she thought I was lost.)  And she has a very short temper when she’s in the “in-between state”, so I must be prepared for anything if I accidentally wake her up.  It’s an interesting life I lead at night…

Anyway, with a sleep habit like that, you can imagine that her dreams are probably pretty strange.  However, when you add a pregnancy, things become WHACKO.  Here are two examples and who knows, I might come up with a few more in the next couple weeks as we approach the due date…

A 20/20 Special Report: Twin Pooping Disorder

Can  you imagine how intrigued you’d be if you turned on 20/20 on ABC and saw an entire 60 minute report about the trials and tribulations of Twin Pooping Disorder.  Luckily, in reality, we don’t have to.  However, in the dream state of my wife, it’ll happen and it did. 

Here’s a few facts about Twin Pooping Disorder – It’s the number two killer of women, behind heart disease.  It affects only one twin out of a pair.  It is not the number one killer of men.  The Wayans Brothers are spokespeople for the disease and they try to raise awareness because one them suffer from it.

Here are the logical infallicies with the previous facts – The Wayans Brothers are not twins.  If it only affects one twin, then it would be very difficult to be the number two killer or women.  Why are two men the spokespeople if it affects a lot of women?

Are you wondering what twin pooping disorder is?  Well, it only affects have a set of twins.  It basically means they’re severely constipated and only have a BM one every 2 to 3 weeks.  This means they have to be careful about what they eat.

A quote from the Wayans Brothers:

Waynes Brother #1 - “It really stinks, because I  like cheeseburgers… but I can’t eat them because they’ll be inside me for weeks.

Waynes Brother #2 - “And that’s what so bad about this disease.  I don’t have it, so I can eat a cheeseburger anytime I want.”

Yes, this is a real dream. Yes, she remembered all of these details.  They are now etched in my brain because of their absurdity.

The Forgotten Shower Guest

Are you ever scared you left someone off the invite list?  It’s a list you agonize over for weeks for some events.  Your baby’s shower is one of them.  On the day my wife had her shower, she dreamt that she had made this terrible mistake.

I’m not sure if you know who DMX is, but he is a rapper.  Here are a few facts about DMX:

• He spent much of his adolescence in and out of jail.
• In the summer of 1999, DMX and his wife were arrested and charged for animal cruelty and possession of drugs and weapons after his manager uncle was accidentally shot at a hotel in New Jersey.
• DMX was arrested but later cleared of a stabbing that occurred at a tour stop in Denver.
• DMX was arrested in March 2000 for aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, speeding, failure to signal, driving without a license, failure to notify the DMV of an address change, and possession of marijuana.
• In June 2004, he was arrested at the John F. Kennedy International Airport on charges of cocaine possession, criminal impersonation, criminal possession of a weapon, criminal mischief, menacing, and driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol while claiming to be a federal agent and attempting to carjack a vehicle.
• On November 18, 2005, DMX was sentenced to 70 days in jail for violating his parole.
• DMX was arrested at a Phoenix mall on suspicion that he gave a false name & Social Security number to a hospital to get out of paying for medical expenses.

As you can see, he’s quite the interesting character.  He also enjoys barking and grunting in his rap songs.

Well, wouldn’t you know it… Stunning left DMX off the guest list and our boy DMX was not too happy about it.  Imagine Stunning’s surprise when he knocked on the door. 

He grunted at her.  He waved his glock around.  He was very angry that she didn’t invite him to the shower.  She pleaded with him to forgive her for the oversight.  He used the nastiest cuss words DMX can use and he let everyone fly…  She told him she just didn’t think he’d be interested in a baby shower.  Well he was… because as he waved his glock around with one hand, he was carrying his gift under his other shoulder.  Yes, DMX bought Junior his Johnson & Johnson’s bath time kit.  I think that’s a very kind gesture.

My wife is all but done in baby preparations.  Of course, if she realizes there is something that needs to be done, it will be done within hours… if not minutes.  She’s a planner in normal life.  Imagine taking the neurosis (and I use that word lovingly) and adding on the natural instinct to prepare a baby’s home before his arrival.  Well, you can imagine what’s happened in my life the past few months.

Junior’s room is ready.  The hospital bags are packed.  The cradle is ready.  Everything on the registries has been purchased (except a couple items that are not necessary on day one of life).  The car set is installed.  The stroller is constructed.  The letters of his name are hung.  I’m telling you people… she’s ready.

Well, the other day, knowing that my cooking can only be performed in large momentous occasions (asking me to cook a simple dinner is like asking Tchaikovsky to write a commercial melody), so I told my wife that she should prepare some food and put it in the freezer.  Therefore, after Junior comes I can take it out of the freezer while she is napping and bake it and handle it myself.  This project required planning on her part and she loved the idea of it. 

Needless to say, it was the next day and she was at the grocery store.  That night, the madness began…

The Ingredients

Preparing the Meats

Halfway Point…. Yes, I said Halfway

Some Midwestern Goodness – The Tater Tot Casserole

The Finished Project

The following meals are now in our freezer ready for me to make:

3 lasagnas
2 manicottis
1 enchilada casserole
2 nights of regular enchiladas
2 nights of green chile chicken enchiladas
3 nights of enchilada casserole
2 nights of shepherd’s pie

Total: 14 meals, people—28 if you count per person.

I thought it was a good idea and it still is a good idea.  I just never thought it would be quite like this…