We got everything for Junior that he could possibly want.  However, as we walked through a store the other day, I realized he lacked one thing that every child should have.  And that would be a puppet.
 
Ok.  I’ll be honest.  When I saw the puppet, I got it for myself.  A baby doesn’t need a puppet… as a child probably can’t even operate one until they’re at least 5 years old. 
Anyway, as I saw the puppet and realized that I needed him, I had to test him out.  It was much to the chagrin of my wife, as I began to walk around this department store using Harry’s voice (that’s the puppet’s name) and asking her questions.  Harry had just met Stunning, so he needed some answers about her. 
At one point, it came to blows, and Stunning stated, “Who did I marry?!?  Would you just grow up?” Then a sales associate came from behind a stack of clothes and stated, “What the fun in that?”  I told the nice lady thank you and we walked away.. then Harry realized he didn’t say thank you, so he quickly yelled it back to the lady across the store. 
I was then instructed to take the puppet off my hand until we got home. 

My wife decided it would be fun to use a little internet magic.  Last week, I discussed what would happen if Junior took after my looks.  Of course, since she isn’t quite as selfish as I am, she naturally wondered what he would look like if he had both of our faces combined.  (I hear that’s actually what happens in children… they take one person and combine it with another and you get this mix… go figure.)
Anyway, this is what the internet told us our child will look like:

Interesting. It appears this child is actually an adult with some child like characteristics.  Honestly, he looks like a young human Yoda…  Of course, I’m very excited to see he’ll wear a hoody.  Not quite sure how I feel about the jean jacket though, we might have to have a little talk about that.

I think I did some good reporting in my days in the journalism business.  However, I now know that I never did anything worthwhile.

Genius!  Thank you Todd Beaney… FOX8 News.

I didn’t think it would happen until the due date… maybe even a couple days after.  Neither did Stunning… Neither did the doctor.  However, with all of that said, this blog is no longer about an expecting father, but instead a real father.  CRAZY!
He was born Sunday, March 7 at 7:19pm weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces and measuring 19.5” long.






Me as a Father:

Junior when he found out I was the dad:

With that said, last week I wrote quite a few posts.  They’re on auto-post… so they may mention I’m waiting for Junior to come.  I am no longer, but the old John… the one from last week… was…

You’ve probably heard the old adage: Everything is bigger in Texas.  For example, this is a cinnamon roll at a restaurant here in town:

It’s big.  (And in this picture, I look slightly drugged out.)
These are a pair of Cowboy Boots in town:

They’re big.
My wife is a Texan, so when it comes to the pillow she likes to lay her head on at night… she likes a huge, fluffy pillow.  Well, a couple weeks ago she went to the store and tried to go cheap on a pillow.  No dice.  The following is an artist rendition of her head:

All hanging loose and crooked. She gave up on that pillow quickly and returned to the store.  There she found a pack of two pillows for just $5.  Each pillow was too thin, but she knew if she combined forces the combo would be amazing… similar to peanut butter and jelly or milk and chocolate or the Power Rangers.
Now one would think it would be good to combine said pillow in one pillow case.  However, she had another idea.  She would surgically open one case, steal all of its fluff, and place it in the other pillow.  One case, twice the fluff.  She knew when this was complete, she would have her ultimate pillow.
She performed the surgery.  That night she snuggled up with her pillow.   It was then she discovered she had made it too fat.  Like too much peanut butter and jelly with no bread… it doesn’t work.

This is her pillow.  For comparison, I have placed a standard sized compact disk next to the pillow for comparison:

Yes.  It is true.  Everything is bigger in Texas.

Stunning has always had a history of strange dreams.  For some reason, she has dreams where I’m cheating on her and she’s the type of girl that emotions in those dreams spill over into awakedness, to make up a word.  Other times she’ll punch me in the middle of the night.  I’ve been kicked a few times.  She loves to talk in her sleep, sometimes carrying on long conversations where I can’t hear the other side.  She’s called me from her sleep asking where I was (I was driving home, but she thought I was lost.)  And she has a very short temper when she’s in the “in-between state”, so I must be prepared for anything if I accidentally wake her up.  It’s an interesting life I lead at night…

Anyway, with a sleep habit like that, you can imagine that her dreams are probably pretty strange.  However, when you add a pregnancy, things become WHACKO.  Here are two examples and who knows, I might come up with a few more in the next couple weeks as we approach the due date…

A 20/20 Special Report: Twin Pooping Disorder

Can  you imagine how intrigued you’d be if you turned on 20/20 on ABC and saw an entire 60 minute report about the trials and tribulations of Twin Pooping Disorder.  Luckily, in reality, we don’t have to.  However, in the dream state of my wife, it’ll happen and it did. 

Here’s a few facts about Twin Pooping Disorder – It’s the number two killer of women, behind heart disease.  It affects only one twin out of a pair.  It is not the number one killer of men.  The Wayans Brothers are spokespeople for the disease and they try to raise awareness because one them suffer from it.

Here are the logical infallicies with the previous facts – The Wayans Brothers are not twins.  If it only affects one twin, then it would be very difficult to be the number two killer or women.  Why are two men the spokespeople if it affects a lot of women?

Are you wondering what twin pooping disorder is?  Well, it only affects have a set of twins.  It basically means they’re severely constipated and only have a BM one every 2 to 3 weeks.  This means they have to be careful about what they eat.

A quote from the Wayans Brothers:

Waynes Brother #1 - “It really stinks, because I  like cheeseburgers… but I can’t eat them because they’ll be inside me for weeks.

Waynes Brother #2 - “And that’s what so bad about this disease.  I don’t have it, so I can eat a cheeseburger anytime I want.”

Yes, this is a real dream. Yes, she remembered all of these details.  They are now etched in my brain because of their absurdity.

The Forgotten Shower Guest

Are you ever scared you left someone off the invite list?  It’s a list you agonize over for weeks for some events.  Your baby’s shower is one of them.  On the day my wife had her shower, she dreamt that she had made this terrible mistake.

I’m not sure if you know who DMX is, but he is a rapper.  Here are a few facts about DMX:

• He spent much of his adolescence in and out of jail.
• In the summer of 1999, DMX and his wife were arrested and charged for animal cruelty and possession of drugs and weapons after his manager uncle was accidentally shot at a hotel in New Jersey.
• DMX was arrested but later cleared of a stabbing that occurred at a tour stop in Denver.
• DMX was arrested in March 2000 for aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, speeding, failure to signal, driving without a license, failure to notify the DMV of an address change, and possession of marijuana.
• In June 2004, he was arrested at the John F. Kennedy International Airport on charges of cocaine possession, criminal impersonation, criminal possession of a weapon, criminal mischief, menacing, and driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol while claiming to be a federal agent and attempting to carjack a vehicle.
• On November 18, 2005, DMX was sentenced to 70 days in jail for violating his parole.
• DMX was arrested at a Phoenix mall on suspicion that he gave a false name & Social Security number to a hospital to get out of paying for medical expenses.

As you can see, he’s quite the interesting character.  He also enjoys barking and grunting in his rap songs.

Well, wouldn’t you know it… Stunning left DMX off the guest list and our boy DMX was not too happy about it.  Imagine Stunning’s surprise when he knocked on the door. 

He grunted at her.  He waved his glock around.  He was very angry that she didn’t invite him to the shower.  She pleaded with him to forgive her for the oversight.  He used the nastiest cuss words DMX can use and he let everyone fly…  She told him she just didn’t think he’d be interested in a baby shower.  Well he was… because as he waved his glock around with one hand, he was carrying his gift under his other shoulder.  Yes, DMX bought Junior his Johnson & Johnson’s bath time kit.  I think that’s a very kind gesture.